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Thursday, February 20, 2003 Henry is sitting at the bar at Yo's, in his suit but with the tie untied and the collar open. Simon walks in and asks if he's all set. "What kind of establishment is this, I can't get a decent martini," complains Henry. Simon asks if he's got the camera, and Henry says he's ready to roll. Looking uneasy about the situation, Henry asks Simon if he's sure. "Don't moralize to me, Henry, not tonight," says Simon. "Me? I have no morals to ize with," jokes Henry. Simon tells him to just do his job. "And risk the wrath of Katie?" wonders Henry. "Or back out and risk mine! Just do it!" demands Simon. "Fine," says Henry, giving in for the moment. Simon wonders where "she" is, he wants to get this over with. "I don't understand this," begins Henry again, "What happened to that nice cad who fell madly in love with that irritating but oh so adorable wife?" Simon tells Henry to keep his mouth shut and his lens open.
Simon sees that his "date" is here, it's Henry's friend Bambi. Simon says he hired her on Henry's recommendation. "Hi Hankie," says Bambi, modeling her fur and expensive jewels, "What do you think?" "I think you look like a Vanderbilt," says Henry. "These ain't jeans I'm wearing," pouts Bambi. "Well, you can't put a price tag on class," says Henry sarcastically. "Awww, my sweetie always says the sweetest things!" coos Bambi. Simon orders her to lose the gum and go over her lines again, he wants to do this in one take. He gives her ten minutes. She turns to Henry and he tells her to "concentrate, find your motivation, get in touch with your chi." "Can I get in touch with a drink?" asks Bambi. "After we're done," says Simon. He pulls Henry aside and tells him to make sure he captures every touch, every whisper, so he can prove to Katie what a two-timing louse he is.
Simon is playing pool, waiting for Bambi, and Henry is trying to talk him out of it. "Simon, Katie is crazy about you, pal. If you want to break her heart, you go right ahead, be my guest, but don't expect me to chisel it out of her chest for you!" Simon insists he's doing this for Katie, and Henry comments that most men get a divorce lawyer. Simon says he doesn't have time for that. "Why, are you paying Bambi by the hour?" taunts Henry. "Would you rather see Katie broken-hearted or dead?" asks Simon bluntly. "Are those my only choices?" asks Henry. Simon tells Henry this is serious, and Henry tells Simon to start talking or he'll start walking.
Simon is silent so Henry heads for the door. "Wait, stop," says Simon. He tells him he ran into a guy from the old days. "The old days when you were wooing rich women who were dripping with appreciating assets?" asks Henry. Simon tells him this was way before that, back in Australia. He tells him about Bartleby and his threats to kill Katie if he doesn't help him do a job in France.
Henry tells Simon to just go ahead and do it, but Simon explains that if he left Katie would follow him. "And that guy would break our pretty little Katie," says Henry, beginning to understand the situation. Simon says that even if he "took care of" Bartleby, his friends would step up and take his place. Katie will only be safe if she stays in Oakdale. Still doubtful, Henry asks Simon if he's sure this is the only way. Simon begs Henry to help him, telling him he needs him. "All right, my lips are sealed. OK, I'll warm up the zoom," agrees Henry reluctantly.
"Roll camera," says Simon as he begins to play out his scene with Bambi, and Henry begins filming.
Simon is teaching Bambi to play pool and complaining about his marriage when Katie walks in. "Get your filthy hands off my husband, you skank!" she yells as she lunges for Bambi. Simon holds her back while Bambi runs away. "You better run, grab that cheap fur and hi the streets where you belong!" she yells. "See you around, Simon," says Bambi. "Yeah, right. Never again, if you want to live!" taunts the Katie we all know and love. Henry steps in and tells her to relax, and Katie asks him what he's doing there, "What are the two of you cooking up?" "Me, cook?" laughs Henry innocently. Simon tells her to settle down, he's not having an affair. Katie says she knows that and accuses him of running a con with Henry as his little sidekick. Seeing a way out, Simon agrees and tells Katie she walked in on his latest scam.
With matchbox twenty's "Disease" playing in the background, Simon and Katie have the biggest fight they've ever had. Simon explains that Bambi's husband is a rich oil tycoon in Chicago, and Henry is helping him to get the evidence to blackmail him with. Katie wonders why he went back to this life of crime, and Simon says he missed it, it's the only thing that makes him feel alive. He reminds Katie that he only married her so he could stay in the country, and now he's ready to move on. Furious, Katie tells him to go ahead and go, "But don't you ever come crawling back to me!" She storms out and Simon cries, "I hate this!" Henry hands him the tape, saying he won't need it now. Simon says that Katie will be back, she'll cool off. "So will the sun but not any time soon," says Henry. Simon disagrees, and begs Henry to help him come up with something so big that she'll never forgive him.
Today’s episode was directed by Maria Wagner and written by Judith Donato.
Transcripts from TVMegaSite (partial) [ Screaming ] Simon: Settle down. Settle down. Katie: Let go of me, Simon. Yeah, you better run. Grab that cheap fur, hit the streets where you belong. Simon: Stop it. Bambi: See you around, Simon. Katie: Yeah, right. Never again, if you want to live. Henry: Relax, relax, relax, she's gone, Katie. She's gone. Katie: And what are you doing here? What are you two cooking up? Henry: Cook? Me, cook? Katie: Simon, talk, or I'll flatten you, too. Simon: I'm not letting you go. You're not flattening anyone. Now, settle down. Will you settle down? Katie: Don't try and talk me out of this, Simon. Don't try and talk your way out of it. Simon: What -- out of what? I'm not having an affair. Katie: I know that. You're setting up another con, aren't you? You're after her money and Henry's your new little sidekick. Simon: Yeah, that's right. Yeah, I'm sorry, babe, but you just walked in on my latest scam.
Katie: What are you doing? Simon: Settle down. Katie: What are you doing, Simon? Simon: Her husband's loaded, isn't he? Big oil guy. Katie: Right, and she lives in Oakdale? Simon: No, Chicago. We just thought it would be safer to meet here. Katie: Safe? Simon: Yeah. Katie: That's funny. Those days are over. Simon: Yeah, I was trying to get her in a compromising position so I could threaten to take the video to her old man if she didn't pay up. Henry was doing all the taping for a cut of the action. Katie: Well, that's disgusting. Simon: It's what I do. Katie: No, it's what you did. Simon: I tried to leave it behind, Katie, but I can't. I'm good at it. It's the only thing these days to give me a real rush. Katie: This is Bartleby, right? I mean, he got you thinking about this life again. Simon: No, no, no, no. Don't blame this on him. I started missing the action way before he showed up. Katie: You said you hated that life. Simon: Hated what? What part of it is to hate? I hated seeing the world, huh? Hated staying in five-star hotels? Hated driving cars that cost five times as much as that cramped, little cottage where we're living? Katie: Don't you dare talk about our cottage. Simon: Oh, if you love it so much, you can continue to live there. Katie: Or what? Go on the road with you? Simon: Did you hear that? Did I invite her? I didn't invite you, did I? Katie: And since when does a wife need to be invited? Simon: Don't suffocate me. Katie: And don't stand here like I'm supposed to understand what the hell is going on here. You've got something to say to me, Simon, say it! Simon: Go home, Katie. Katie: Not until you tell me why you're acting like such a jerk. Simon: I tried to lead the life that you want me to, but it's holding me back. What do you want from me, huh? What do you want from me? Katie: I want you to be the man that I fell in love with. Simon: Oh, yeah, yeah. This is the point where I remind you that we only got married so I could stay in the country. Yeah. Katie: Don't you dare throw that back in my face. Simon: Yeah, it was convenient, you know? A means to an end. Katie: Not the second time. You gave me the wedding of my dreams. You love me. Simon: Love doesn't give you the right to erase who I am. I miss the old days. I want -- Katie: You miss being a creep? Simon: I miss feeling alive. Katie: Fine. Fine. You want to be two-timing thief, go right ahead. Fleece the whole world for all I care, but don't ever, ever come crawling back to me! Simon: Don't worry, I won't. I hate this! Henry: Hey. I guess you won't be needing this, huh? Simon: She'll be back. Henry: Yeah, right. What part of "get lost" don't you understand? Simon: She'll go home, and she'll cool off. Henry: Cool off, huh? So will the sun, but not any time soon. Simon: She'll go home, she'll think about it, she'll say she understands and that she wants to run cons together. Henry: Well, the family that strays together -- Simon: Listen, mate. We've got to think of something big, something so big that she will never want to see me again.
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