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Wednesday, February 28, 2007 Henry has arrived at the mall to pick-up a client for his limo service. It turns out to be Vienna, on the run from the feds. For a small fee, Henry agrees to help her out. The good news is they get away from the cops, the bad news is they're stranded in the middle of nowhere with only each other to keep them warm (or is that the good news?!). Today’s episode was directed by Maria Wagner and written by Richard Culliton.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Vienna: Henry, what are you doing here in this ludicrous disguise? Henry: It is ludicrous. But it's no disguise. Vienna: Oh, Henry. Henry: I am -- a limousine driver. Vienna: Je suis desolee. Henry: C'est la guerre. Vienna: And you do look kind of cute in that cap. Henry: Really? Well, you look -- you look ravishing, chic -- no, sneaky. Vienna: Excuse me? Henry: Yes, let me just ask you a question here. It just dawned on me. What are you doing here in the middle of the night, at the mall, with these Jackie O. sunglasses and this disguise, that would fool no one? Vienna: I am making a discreet exit! Henry: A what? A discreet -- this is discreet for you? I'd hate to see showy. Vienna: You know, Henry, I normally don't really discuss my personal life with the chauffeur. So, please, let's just proceed to the airport in silence. Henry: Wait a second, wait a second. Wait a second, I think I've got it now. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Could it be, could it be -- let's see -- Vienna: No, shhh! Like a little mouse -- Henry: Loading the bags at the hotel, and I pick you up here. Vienna: I do have a plane to catch. Henry: I understand that. But you are -- you are not making a discreet exit, are you? You're running. Vienna: Henry, move it! Henry: No, I don't think so. I don't think so. I think I just got a very profitable fare.
Vienna: I have no idea what you're talking about. Henry: What I'm talking about is a very substantial gratuity for my -- what did you call it? My discretion. Vienna: Well, you know what, there is another word -- blackmail. Henry: Well, a rose by any other name, sweetheart. Vienna: Why would I pay you anything when you know nothing? Henry: What I know is that you're all dolled up and you're using a false name, and you're trying to escape out of here under the cover of night. And what does that tell me? That tells me that Simon Frasier is going to be on that tarmac when that airplane lands. Vienna: What? Henry: Oh, gosh. I can't believe it. What is he -- what is he, tired of Carly already? Or -- or, was this the plan from the get-go? Vienna: There was no plan! Henry: Oh, please. Come on, come on, come on. Simon knows that jack still loves Carly enough to make sure that they both get away safely. What, was he supposed to contact you after he dumps her? What? Vienna: You know what? You should be a writer, not a driver. With such an imagination. Henry: You're not meeting Simon? Vienna: No. Henry: Okay. Okay. All right. Then I'll just call jack and give him the heads-up. Vienna: No! Henry: A-ha! So, I was right! Vienna: No! It's not that. Put the phone down. Henry: You know what? I'm just going to call him so he can say "bon voyage." Vienna: No, I am not running to Simon Frasier. I'm running from the U.S. Government. Henry: The feds? Vienna: Yes, dolly's trying to have me extradited. For revenge! Henry: Feds -- wow. You know, the bad thing about the feds, they have way too many guns and no sense of humor. Vienna: And they're trying to send me back to Leonia and freeze my assets. You know what? Now, now I'm really happy, because I have you as my chauffer. My dear, smart Henry to help me escape from this terrible injustice, this abuse of power, this -- Henry: This -- this is where I say adios, sweetheart.
Vienna: No, no! Henry, no! Don't, don't -- don't do me this way. Henry: Why, you won't survive, won't stay alive? Oh, great. Great, I'm going to have that in my head for the next week. Vienna: If you leave me now -- Henry: You know what? Song lyrics are not going to change my mind. You have a grip like a vice! Vienna: Oh, don't you see? Fate meant for you to help me. You know, we were brought together by something bigger than what we are! Henry: I'm losing the sensation in my hand. Vienna: Henry, do the right thing and help me escape. Henry: Okay, I know this -- I know this matters to you not at all, but what about me, Vienna? Vienna: You? Henry: Yes, me, me. What happens to me when the feds arrest me for helping you escape? Vienna: Okay -- you are just a chauffeur doing his job. Henry: I know, I wish that made a difference. But you see, I just wiggled my way out of charges for aiding and abetting a fugitive. And that's how I became a chauffeur in the first place. And would you please let go of my arm? Vienna: No, not until you say you will help me. Henry: I'll help you. Vienna: I don't believe you. Henry: You know, after 20 more seconds, I'm not going to be able to drive. Vienna: Fine. So, shall we talk about that gratuity? Henry: I'm so weak. Vienna: Well, all you need is an incentive to do the right thing. And at this point, it has to be money, because there's no time for anything personal. Henry: Money's fine. Vienna: No? Henry: No, no, no. What am I talking about -- no, money is not fine. What good is money if it ends up sending me up the river? Vienna: Okay, I wonder, what do you say about $200? Henry: What, is that a joke? How about $2,000, lady? Vienna: $2,00 that's absurd! Why would I ever pay you $2,000? [ Police sirens wail ] Henry: I think you just got your answer. Come on.
Henry: You can come up for air now. Vienna: You're sure it's safe? Henry: I haven't seen another car for the last ten minutes. Vienna: Well, you need to clean the floor back here. Henry: You know, I'm not one to toot my own horn, but I have to say, it was magnificent the way I got you out of that fraud situation. Don't you think? Side roads, doubling back. Vienna: Half an hour and three blocks. You know, why are we stopped? And where in heaven's name are we? Henry: The middle of nowhere. Vienna: Well, I'm not paying you to take me to the middle of nowhere. I need an airport! You know, the place with planes. Henry: Yeah, I know what an airport is. And it got me to thinking that it might be a little crowded, and that you might be rushed. So I thought we'd come to a nice, quiet place like this to complete our transaction. You want me to turn on the dome light back there so you can count my money? Vienna: I am not paying you to stop. Now, let's get going! Henry: So far, you haven't paid me at all. I think we agreed on $2,000. Vienna: But we didn't agree on anything. Because I got scared from the sirens. Henry: Hmm, I see. So you want a do-over, you want a rewind, is that it? Vienna: Yes, yes, I think we should take another look at the deal. Henry: Great, okay. Why don't we go back to Oakdale and we can renegotiate? Vienna: No, no! Well, apparently, I misjudged you. I thought you were a nice and sweet person. Henry: You thought I was a patsy. Vienna: Here. Henry: Would you like a receipt for this? Vienna: What, for my tax records? You know, $2,000 for bribing a limo driver. Henry: Oh, and also, I don't know if I mentioned this -- also, there is some free mineral water in the fridge back there. Vienna: Oh, just start the car and take me to the airport. Henry: All right. Vienna: What are you doing? Henry: Do you happen to know which one is the north star? Vienna: Oh, god. You don't know which way to go? Henry: Well -- well, yeah, I think just losing g-men, I got a little lost myself. Vienna: Oh, I paid $2,000 to get lost? Henry: Look -- Vienna: No, no, no. Turn on that GPS thing that gives directions. Henry: No, I can't do that. I sold it. See, I was in way over my head on this one particular -- -Vienna: Oh, I don't care. Stop talking and drive. You know, find a place to get directions. Henry: Okay. Apparently, $2,000 buys you the right to be rude and demanding. Vienna: Just start the car! [ Engine stalling ] What happened? What are you doing? Henry: Nothing. Nothing happened. Vienna: Well, I can see that. Why did you stop trying? Henry: Do you ever have that feeling that you've forgotten something? I've had that feeling all day. Vienna: What did you forget? Henry: To get gas.
Vienna: Give it back! Give me my money back! Henry: I think you're overreacting. Vienna: No, I am not paying $2,000 to a driver who is to stupid to get gas! Henry: Now wait just a second. You were two minutes away from getting nabbed by the feds and I saved your butt. Vienna: And you put me in the middle of a cornfield! Give me my money back! Henry: Here. I am beginning to understand why Katie doesn't like you. Vienna: Katie! Oh, oh, that's what this is all about, isn't it? Henry: Excuse me? Vienna: Yeah, now I understand. She put you up to this, you know this is her petty attempt to get back at me. Henry: Yeah Vienna, that's what it is. She set the whole thing up with the feds, and then she pulled some strings to make sure I was the limo driver, and then she siphoned the tank. It's the only logical explanation. Vienna: Start walking. Henry: What? Vienna: Yeah, we are wasting precious time here. Start walking, find the gas station and get me to the airport. Henry: Do you have any idea how far the nearest gas station is? Do you know what direction it's in? Do you know how cold it is out there? Vienna: Do you know who got us in this mess in the first place, huh? You know, this is your chance to redeem yourself, Henry. To prove that you are a real man. Henry: Ah no, no, no, you did not just play the real man card with me? Honey, I am way too secure in my masculinity to fall for that stuff, okay? Besides I hate the cold. Wait, what are you doing? What are you doing back there? Vienna: I am doing what needs to be done. Henry: Sweetheart you are dressed for Cannes, all right, not February in Illinois. Vienna: You know what? In my country, we just laugh at the cold. Henry: Really, you laugh at it? In your country do you walk out in four-inch stilettos on the icy road in the pitch black? You're out of your mind. Vienna: What you don't understand is that once I get my mind to something or set my mind to something -- nothing, nothing can stop me. Henry: You can't -- you can't let her go alone. Okay, you can't let her go alone. [ Howling ] You're going to hate yourself in the morning.
[ Knocking ] Henry: I'm unarmed and she left ten minutes ago. It was a setup, officer, I had no idea she was a fugitive. Vienna: Open the door, Henry. Henry: Vienna, I thought you were the feds. Vienna: Obviously. Henry: And I was just trying to engage them to help you escape. Vienna: Open the door! You can lie to me once I'm inside. Henry: Oh wow, you look like -- Vienna: Do not say a word. I'm freezing and my feet hurt. And this -- do you know how long we have been together? I snubbed Princess Caroline with these shoes. Henry: I really am sorry. Vienna: Do you think Simon would forget to get gas? Do you think jack would be afraid of the dark? Henry: Actually, I was afraid of the coyote. It sounded very hungry to me. Vienna: So my shoes pay for your cowardice? Henry: Look, I'm sure we can get these fixed. Vienna: Right, right. I'll send them out while I'm in prison in Leonia. I'm -- oh, I'm -- Henry: You're down and out? You're up the creek? You're down for the count? Vienna: Hold me. Henry: Whoa, that's a mood swing. Vienna: Believe me, Henry. If I wasn't freezing to death I wouldn't let you touch me. But the situation right now is that we're here and you're the last man on earth. Henry: Well, I always wanted odds like that. Here, come here. Vienna: So our options are to get caught by the feds then nothing would freeze to death in the arms of an incompetent chauffer. Henry: You know, you're not going to generate a lot of warmth with that attitude. Vienna: So I'll end like my shoes. Frozen, broken -- in the middle of nowhere. Henry: No. No. No, no. Like Rhett Butler, going off to join a war that's already hopeless, I, Henry Coleman, will save you or go down trying. Vienna: Wait! Wait. Henry: A kiss for good luck? Vienna: No. If I couldn't get out of here, there's no way you can. There's only one way you can help. And that's by keeping each other warm and hope for the best. Henry: Okay, if you say so. Here I am. Hoping for the best.
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