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Tuesday, March 16, 2004 Father Frank is stripped of his collar today as Henry's latest scheme is discovered.
Pilar has Henry by the collar, "Admit it, Father Frank. You didn't earn this collar, you rented it! Who are you?" She demands to know what order he is with. "Order?" asks Henry. "What kind - Jesuit - Dominican?" asks Pilar. "The order of St. Martini - Martin! Saint Martin! Saint Martin. A good man - a holy man - not a bad island, either," says Henry. "Right. I bet you don't even know what a Hail Mary is," accuses Pilar as Henry wrenches himself out of her grasp and his collar. "It's the greatest play in football. Aw, it's just a joke. It's a little priestly humor," says Henry, and the accent is back.
Pilar threatens to call security so Henry heads for the door where he runs into Dr. Ben. Ben asks him what he's doing and Pilar says he's pretending to be a priest. "It's a big misunderstanding, Ben," explains Henry. "I walked in here, all dressed in black, and the poor thing - she just assumed that I was a man of the cloth, obviously. But you know what? It's a little sad, I think. I think you should run some tests on her - a lot of tests. Because she's a little..." Henry makes a sound like she's crazy, "You know what I'm saying? So, I'll se ya," he tries to leave but Ben stops him. "No, no, no. You got about five seconds to tell me what kind of game you're running here. Why are you messin' with Pilar?"
Ben asks Pilar if she's OK and she responds that she's fine. Henry asks if they're friends and Ben says they're good old friends. "Oh, that's special. Well, why don't you just stay here and visit. Doesn't she look wonderful? I mean, the power of prayer is just - it's a marvelous thing," says Henry. He tries to leave again but Ben demands to know what he was doing. "No, wait a second. Ben, it was just a prank, okay? It was a harmless prank. Actually, she did wrench my neck when she pulled the collar. Can you take a look at this," says Henry, showing Ben his neck. Ben grabs him by the neck and drags him to the door when Mike comes in.
Ben tells Mike about Father Frank and Pilar is amazed that they all know each other. "Mike, please. Please explain to Ben and this beautiful young woman here that I am known for my crazy, albeit harmless, pranks," begs Henry. Ben and Pilar explain that Henry was trying to get information out of Pilar. "Well, yeah, duh. Who would not want to know more about a beautiful, young woman like this?" says Henry. Mike apologizes to Pilar and says it's not all Henry's fault. Henry thanks him and Mike tells him to shut up. "What I mean is, Henry didn't come up with this all on his own. Okay, he's just the front man. Isn't that right, Henry? Katie sent you?" theorizes Mike. Just then Katie comes in and offers to explain. Mike asks her what she is trying to find out.
"Now I know why you were trying so hard to keep me at Fashions for so long. So I wouldn't come back here to find Father Henry setting up his little confessional," surmises Mike. Henry tries to tell Mike that Katie wasn't involved, but he doesn't buy it. Pilar says they should just forget about it, no harm done. "I disagree. As a doctor, I have a serious problem with fake clerics running around this hospital," says Dr. Ben. Pilar says she doesn't want to make a big deal about it. "Ain't she sweet. Look at that. Seriously. She's just a peach, ain't she? Look, you know what I say? I say we let bygones be bygones. And, by the way, no one wears a gown - a hospital gown quite like you do. So if you ever need anything..." offers Henry. Mike tells him to get out, and Ben grabs him by the arm to drag him out. "Okay, wait. Okay, well, that's my pitching arm, Ben," complains Henry. After Ben and Henry leave the room, Mike tells Katie to ask whatever she wants, but she says there's nothing she wants to know and leaves.
Later, Katie pops up from behind a desk at the hospital and says "Psssst!" to get Henry's attention. Now that the coast is clear, she wants to know what Pilar said. "Nothing. She was on to me. I knew when she tried to pull tonsils out through my eardrums. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a long, tall Martini," says Henry. "Wait, hold on. What if Pilar's up to something?" asks Katie. "Well, then God help her next victim," says Henry. "Her next victim could be Mike. He's on the rebound," says Katie. "That's right, the poor slob. He'd have to rebound into those gorgeous arms. That must be hell," says Henry sarcastically. "Actually, you know what, Katie? I think I do have a plan." "Oh, good. I knew you wouldn't let me down," says Katie. "Yeah, I know just the way to get Mike away from that vixen," says Henry. "Oh, what?" asks Katie anxiously. "March in there, and plant the biggest kiss you've got right on his lips, and tell him that you're still in love with him. Pilar will be gone before you can say adios, muchacha," suggests Henry.
Apparently Katie didn't like that idea. "You know, I would love to stay and chat, but I have to take the elevator up to the psych ward. Okay? Because I have to find someone who could explain to me why on some deep, hidden level that this very sane, charming, dashing, often witty man that I am, cannot say no to you," proclaims Henry. "It's simple. Because you love me, Henry," says Katie as a glimmer of hope enters Henry's eyes. "You're the brother I never had," she adds. The glimmer dies. "That'll be news to Craig," he says, looking away. "Come on, you can't abandon me now. Can you try again?" she asks sweetly. "What? You want me to go back in there and risk the wrath of Khan? Come on," says Henry. "I just want to make sure that she's not lying her way back into his life," says Katie. "Hmm. Let me know how that works out, okay? I'm gonna be at home, nursing a cosmo with a neck brace," Henry leaves. "Wait, Henry - Henry, wait! Come back here," Katie calls after him. But apparently Henry has finally learned how to say no to her.
Today’s episode was directed by Maria Wagner and written by Judith Donato.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Pilar: Admit it, Father Frank. You didn't earn this collar, you rented it! Who are you? Henry: I told you -- Pilar: What order are you with? Henry: Order? Pilar: What kind -- Jesuit -- Dominican? Henry: The order of St. Martini -- Martin! Saint Martin! Saint Martin. A good man -- a holy man -- not a bad island, either. Pilar: Right. I bet you don't even know what a Hail Mary is. Henry: It's the greatest play in football. Aw, it's just a joke. It's a little priestly humor. [ Henry laughs nervously ] Pilar: I'm calling security. Henry: Right. Ben: Henry -- Henry: Hey, Ben. Ben: What are you doing in here? Pilar: Pretending to be a priest. Henry: It's a big misunderstanding, Ben. I walked in here, all dressed in black, and the poor thing -- she just assumed that I was a man of the cloth, obviously. But you know what? It's a little sad, I think. I think you should run some tests on her -- a lot of tests. Because she's a little -- [ Henry whistles ] -- You know what I'm saying? So, I'll se ya. Ben: No, no, no. You got about five seconds to tell me what kind of game you're running here. Why are you messin' with Pilar?
Ben: Are you okay? Pilar: I'm fine. Henry: You two are friends? Ben: Very good old friends. Henry: Oh, that's special. Well, why don't you just stay here and visit. Doesn't she look wonderful? I mean, the power of prayer is just -- it's a marvelous thing. Ben: Now, either you can tell me why you're in this room or you can tell the cops. Henry: No, wait a second. Ben, it was just a prank, okay? It was a harmless prank. Actually, she did wrench my neck when she pulled the collar. Can you take a look at this -- Ben: Okay, come on. Henry: Ow, ow, ow! Mike: Henry? What are you doing here? Ben: Pretending to be Father Frank. Mike: Father who? Pilar: You know him, too, Michael? Henry: Mike, please. Please explain to Ben and this beautiful young woman here that I am known for my crazy, albeit harmless, pranks. Ben: He came in wearing that collar. Pilar: He wanted to hear my confession. Mike: What? Pilar: He was obviously trying to find out information about me. Henry: Well, yeah, duh. Who would not want to know more about a beautiful, young woman like this? Mike: Just -- just stop, Henry. I'm sorry about all this. But it's not all Henry's fault. Henry: Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Mike: Shut up! Shut up. What I mean is, Henry didn't come up with this all on his own. Okay, he's just the front man. Isn't that right, Henry? Katie sent you? Katie: Mike, before you say anything we're all gonna regret, I can explain. Mike: What do you want, okay? What are you trying to find out about me and Pilar?
Mike: Now I know why you were trying so hard to keep me at Fashions for so long. So I wouldn't come back here to find Father Henry setting up his little confessional. Henry: Mike, Katie had no idea what I was up to. Mike: Like hell she didn't. Pilar: Michael, let's just forget about this, all right? I'm fine. There's no harm done. Ben: I disagree. As a doctor, I have a serious problem with fake clerics running around this hospital. Pilar: I don't want to make more of this -- Henry: Ain't she sweet. Look at that. Seriously. She's just a peach, ain't she? Look, you know what I say? I say we let bygones be bygones. And, by the way, no one wears a gown -- a hospital gown quite like you do. So if you ever need anything -- Mike: Henry, get out. Ben: I'll show you the way out. Henry: Yes, I appreciate it -- I know the way. Ben: No, I have a few parting words for you, Father. Come on, let's move it. Henry: Okay, wait. Okay, well, that's my pitching arm, Ben. Ben: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Katie: Psssst! Henry: Oh. Katie: I waited till the coast was clear. What'd she say? Henry: Nothing. She was on to me. I knew when she tried to pull tonsils out through my eardrums. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a long, tall Martini. Katie: Wait, hold on. What if Pilar's up to something? Henry: Well, then God help her next victim. Katie: Her next victim could be Mike. He's on the rebound. Henry: That's right, the poor slob. He'd have to rebound into those gorgeous arms. That must be hell. Actually, you know what, Katie? I think I do have a plan. Katie: Oh, good. I knew you wouldn't let me down. Henry: Yeah, I know just the way to get Mike away from that vixen. Katie: Oh, what? Henry: March in there, and plant the biggest kiss you've got right on his lips, and tell him that you're still in love with him. Pilar will be gone before you can say adios, muchacha.
Henry: You know, I would love to stay and chat, but I have to take the elevator up to the psych ward. Okay? Because I have to find someone who could explain to me why on some deep, hidden level that this very sane, charming, dashing, often witty man that I am, cannot say no to you. Katie: It's simple. Because you love me, Henry. You're the brother I never had. Henry: That'll be news to Craig. Katie: Come on, you can't abandon me now. Can you try again? Henry: What? You want me to go back in there and risk the wrath of Khan? Come on. Katie: I just want to make sure that she's not lying her way back into his life. Henry: Hmm. Let me know how that works out, okay? I'm gonna be at home, nursing a cosmo with a neck brace. Katie: Wait, Henry -- Henry, wait! Come back here.
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