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Friday, March 31, 2006
Today’s episode was directed by Chris Goutman and written by Melissa Salmons.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Gwen: Okay, okay. Maddie, your turn. What kind of sitcom is your family? Maddie: They don't really count. Well, except for Henry. But he'd be, like, everyone in the show. Casey: Yeah, but you'd want maybe Katie in there, too, right? Maddie: Yeah. And maybe Mike, just because he loves Katie. Will: Well, there's your title right there. Maddie: Okay.
[ "I Love Lucy" theme ] [ Mike in a Cuban accent ] Mike: Ay caramba, Katie! Watch what you're doing! Katie: But Mikey, look. Driving lessons. Mike: Not for a woman. Katie: Why not? Women can drive just as well as men can. Mike: Oh, no you don't. We have a new car. Katie: But Mikey -- Mike: No buts. I am the man of the house. I do the driving. Katie: Do you really have to go all the way to Latvia? Mike: My brother needs a translator. Katie: But you don't speak Latvian. Mike: They don't understand his English! Katie: I know the feeling. Mike: I'll be back home soon. And remember, no driving. Katie: Bye-bye, honey. Henrietta: Katie? Katie: Oh yeah, come on in, Henrietta. Henrietta: Was that Mikey with a suitcase? Katie: Yeah, he's going to speak English for the Latvians. Henrietta: Should I understand that? [ Laughter ] Hey, what's wrong, kid? Katie: Well, take a look at this. Henrietta: Driving lessons. Let's do it. Katie: I want to, but Mikey said no. He's the man of the house and women shouldn't drive. Henrietta: Sounds just like my Henry. Katie: But I know I'd be a great driver if I only had the chance. And a couple of weeks to practice with Mikey nowhere in sight! Henrietta: Oh, now, Katie. Katie: Come on, Henrietta, don't you want to show those men a thing or two? Henrietta: The last time I showed Henry a thing we had to call the paramedics. [ Laughter ] My beauty parlor bill! Katie: Henrietta, you and I are learning how to drive. We're going to go sign up right now. Henrietta: Oh, I hope you know what you're getting us into this time.
Katie: Oh, Henrietta, what am I going to do? Mikey gets home today! [ Laughter ] Henrietta: At least you saved the parts. That should count for something. Katie: He can't see this! Henrietta: When he sees his car doesn't have a fender, he's going to throw a fit. And he's going to have a bigger fit when he finds out you hit a guy in the road. Katie: That wasn't a guy, it was a traffic cone. They use them to mark obstacle courses. Henrietta: I have never heard a traffic cone yell when you hit it. I heard a yell! Katie: That was me. Oh, Henrietta, what am I going to do? What am I going to do? Henrietta: We'll figure out a way to fix it before Mikey gets home. [ Horn sounding ] It's Mikey. Henry's with him. Katie: Henrietta, where are you going? Coward. [ Laughter ] Mike: Ay caramba, cucaracha con un carro. Ay yi yi. Katie: Mikey! Henry: He was hit by a car. Mike: A crazy woman driver, I know it! Henry: All right, now where should we put him? Mike: Here. Katie: No! Mikey. Gee, wouldn't you be much more comfortable up in your bed? Mike: She's right. Katie: Henry, could you take him upstairs, please? I'll get some ice. [ Katie sighs ] Henry: All right, let's go. Come on, Henrietta. Coast is clear. Henrietta: I told you that traffic cone squealed. What do we do now? Katie: What do you think? Point the finger someplace else. You have to be a witness and throw them off the scent. Henrietta: Me? I can't get an innocent person in trouble. Katie: You don't have to. Just say you saw the whole thing and give them a fake license plate number. That way the cops will look, but they won't find anyone because it'll be fake. Henrietta: Oh, I don't know. I don't know. Katie: Come on, Henrietta, I'm begging. Henrietta: Only because you wouldn't survive one day alone in jail.
Cop: All right, that's helpful. All we need now is a license number for the hit and run driver. Henrietta: Hit and run? Really? That's what you're calling it? Cop: You said you got the number? Henrietta: Sure, sure, sure. Eight, six, seven, five, three, oh nine. Cop: All right, I'll run a check on that immediately. Henrietta: Glad I could help. Katie: Henrietta, thanks a million. Henrietta: That's it, I've done my bit. Now I'd better get home and fix Henry some dinner before he suspects. [ Phone ringing ] Mike: Katie, you have some 'splainin' to do. Katie: Mikey! I was down here making sure the police are on your case. Henry: Well, same here. I want to make sure they catch the crazy broad who hit Mikey and throw her in the slammer. Katie: What? Mike: They call me to make an identification. Katie: What? Henry: Yeah, the cops. They found a witness who gave them a license number and now they caught the woman! Katie: Wow, that was fast. Cop: Mr. Kasnoff, we found the woman. Henry: Nancy Hughes? Nancy: This is ridiculous! I'm telling you, I'm innocent! I keep telling you, I'm innocent! Katie: Ooh.
Jessica: Nancy Hughes is a fine upstanding member of this community. Why, she's no more a hit and run driver than I am. Henry: It does seem odd. Jessica: Mikey, I'm sure this will be resolved and the real culprit will be found. Mike: The police must have made a mistake. Please 'splain to Mrs. Hughes. Jessica: I will 'splain. Tell her. I'll tell her. [ Laughter ] I take it you won't object to the charges being dropped. Good day. How does he do all that construction work with all of those frilly shirts? Mike: This makes no sense. Henry: There must be an explanation. Mike: Ay caramaba! Look at here what I found. Henry: Well, well. I wonder where this came from. Mike: This is my car! Henry: I bet we can figure out how it came loose, hmm? Mike: How could Katie do this? Henry: And I bet that mystery witness was none other than my own Henrietta! Mike: It's time we teach the girls a lesson.
Katie: Help! Henrietta: Let us out! I want a lawyer. Katie: At least I'm not in here all alone. Henrietta: Guard! Katie: Let us out! Henrietta: Guard! Hey, guard! [ "I Love Lucy" theme ]
Casey: I'm serious. Katie really did hit Mike with the car. He broke his leg or something. And then she tried to pin it on my grandma. Gwen: No. Will: No. Casey: Yes, they had the same tires. I swear they did. Will: I guess I missed all the fun. Gwen: Not anymore.
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