Thursday, April 12, 2001
In today’s show Henry give Katie the bad news: her
husband is a gigolo, or a "fancy man" as Henry’s grandmother would
say.
Henry and Katie are at Burt’s Garage.
Katie is dressed in coveralls with a bandana on her head, working on the
car. Henry is dressed in his usual
suit. 
Henry observes, “Ah,
Katie, if the folks at WOAK could see us now.”
Katie doesn’t want to listen to this, she’s too busy working. Henry goes on, “I mean, here you are, a former news anchor,
cleaning grease off of a carburetor, and living next to a garage with your
hubby.” Suddenly Katie is
interested. “Is this about
Simon?
Did you finally find out something a little more concrete than some
ancient idle rumor? Just because
some person in Australia said that Simon left town because he planned to get
married, why should I care? It's
old news, big deal.” Henry
explains that he found something big. Katie
asks what it is, but Henry’s not sure he should tell her.
“I hit pay dirt. But on second thought, maybe Simon wouldn't want me to share
his deep, dark secrets. Who knows
what you might do to him when you find out.
Ciao!” He starts to leave
but Katie stops him. “No, no, no,
tell me right now, or I'll rip out every hair in that head!” “Oh,” says Henry as he puts his hand to his head.
“So, did Simon get married or what?” asks Katie.
Henry tells her, “Well, his chums were right.
Simon did walk down the aisle before meeting you.
But that's only the beginning. It
gets a whole lot worse.”
Katie tries to
brush off this news. “So Simon
was married before me. It happens.
He probably got drunk one night and ran off to Australia's version of
Vegas.” “Dingoville,” offers
Henry. Katie continues her fantasy,
“Anyway, 
it's not a real marriage if you get it annulled the next day and if
you have such a big hangover, you can't even remember, which is obviously why he
didn't tell me about it.” Henry
denies this theory, “What a lovely story.
Unfortunately, there's not a grain of truth in it.
He was stone cold sober.” Katie
begs to know if Simon is still married, but Henry assures her he’s not a
bigamist, “It's a little trickier than that.”
Katie is getting frustrated, “I'm not going to sit here and play 20
questions with you, Henry. Just
give me a straight answer. Who is
this
woman, and what is her deal with Simon?”
Before he answers, Henry wants to make sure he gets his payment.
“Deal, deal, deal -- that reminds of something.
Oh, I know what it is. Our
deal, Katie, remember, the one where I investigate, and you get a letter of
recommendation for me from Craig. Where
is it?” “It's coming,” answers Katie, “But my brother did teach
me not to settle a deal before I've seen the goods.” Henry agrees to tell her what he found out about Simon.
“Simon likes weddings.
In fact, he likes them so much that he's been engaged seven times.
And he's actually made it to the altar more than once.
You see, Katie, you aren't the first Mrs. Frasier.
You're not even the second Mrs. Frasier.
You're the fifth.”
In the next scene,
Henry continues to explain. He
hands her some papers, saying, “Look, Katie, marriage licenses from all over
the world. I'll read the names of
the brides, and you tell me how many you count.
Ilsa Frasier, Eleanor Frasier, Monique Frasier -- ooh-la-la -- and
Conchetta Maria Concepcion-Frasier. I
got four. How many did you get?
Well, there was supposed to be a Nedira Frasier, but her daddy, the sheik,
objected.” Katie can’t believe
what she’s seeing, it can’t be true. Henry
says, “Well, what do 
they say about marriage, ‘It's only a piece of
paper?’ Boy, they weren't
kidding, huh? I'm sorry, Katie, but
these licenses don't lie.” “Yeah,
well, somebody's lying,” says Katie, disappointed.
Henry laments, “Hmm. Oh, oh, if only I was still working at the
Intruder. What a headline this
would make – ‘outraged wife number five, see story, page four.’”
Still in shock, Katie believes there has to be an explanation for all of
this.
“There is, Katie,” says
Henry, “Your husband traveled the world, and instead of collecting pewter
teaspoons and antique chamber pots, he stocked up on wives and fiancées.
But not to worry, all the marriages have been abruptly ended through
divorce or annulment. You're the only current Mrs. Frasier, although, that probably
won't last long.” Katie is still
in denial. “Okay, these marriages
could not have been Simon's idea. It
was these wives. They probably pushed him into it.
There's gotta be something they all have in common.
Why don't these things have pictures?!
They were desperate. They
must have been desperate, and then along comes Simon, a sexy, hip guy.
Who wouldn't want to marry him?” Henry
says, “You have such a talent for missing the obvious. There is a common
denominator that all of Simon's lovely ladies share --money! Stacks and stacks of it.”
“They're all rich?” asks Katie.
Henry delightedly confirms it. “I
hate to break this to you, but your sexy, hip hubby is nothing more than an
old-fashioned gigolo.”
Katie says that
Simon’s changed. “Changed from
what, Katie,” asks Henry, “A man who came to town chasing down some diamond
to a man who's staying in town so he can chase down the even more valuable Lily
Snyder?” Katie says, “As much
as I'd love to believe that Simon was only after Lily's money, I know
differently. I know that he had
feelings for her. And as much as I
hate to admit it, she changed him. So
if he ever was a…” “A fancy
man,” offers
Henry, “That's what my grandmother used to call men in his line
of work.” Katie continues to
defend her husband. “No, that's
what I'm trying to tell you, Henry. Bilking
women is not Simon's line of work. It's
probably just something he was into because he was young and stupid.
I mean, come on, if he was really into money, you think he'd be married
to me?” Henry again tries to
explain it to her, “Katie, he is married to you because he thought it would
keep him here long enough to get his hands on Lily!”
Katie protests, “That's how it started, but now, it's something more.
I'm not gonna stop trying to keep this marriage working just because
Simon made a few wrong turns.” “Well,
when did you ever see marrying for money as making a few wrong turns?” asks
Henry. “What do you have against
him?” wonders Katie. “Nothing.
Personally, I would marry a toothless 90-year-old bearded woman if she
had a fortune. But unfortunately, the European authorities don't share my
sympathetic understanding of Simon's career choice. Seems like they feel a day isn't well spent if they haven't
issued at least one warrant against your husband.” Henry explains that there are several lawsuits filed against
Simon. “Avoiding extradition is
the only reason that he is here, Peretti.”
“Don't call me that,” demands Katie, “Katie Frasier is my name, and
I'm proud of it.”
“Why are you
so dead set on this guy? What does he have to offer?” wonders Henry.
Katie explains, “He's good, and he's, and he's kind.”
Henry can’t believe what he’s hearing.
“Oh, oh, how I long for the good old days before you had these silly
stars in your eyes. Remember, Katie, WOAK, clawing your way to the top?
You know, glomming on to Holden was at least good for your career, but
glomming on to Simon for this?” “There's
more to life than getting ahead,” says Katie.
“Since when?” asks Henry. “What
has happened to your common sense, woman?”
Katie explains, “It was at WOAK that I had no common sense.
I used to think that love and ambition could coexist.
Boy, did I learn a big lesson. Yeah,
Holden was way too good a man. We
had nothing in 
common.” Henry
asks what it is about Simon, and she answers dreamily, “Have you ever spent
any time with him? Have you ever kissed him?”
Henry dryly replies, “I never kiss anyone with legs hairier than my
own.” Katie promises, “I'm
gonna make Simon's life better. Maybe
he did do all these terrible things that you said, but things are changing.”
Henry is beginning to realize that Katie has changed.
“Gosh, who would have thought it? Katie ‘if you can't help me, I
can't know you’ Frasier has turned into little Katie the romantic.”
Katie agrees, “Yeah, well, this time, I helped someone else.
That someone else is my husband. And
you know what? I'm gonna keep doing it.”
She explains that Simon is ready to settle down with her, even though he
doesn’t know it yet. “He's a
good man.” “Hardly a flaw,”
agrees Henry, “Except for that impressive list of wives.
Come on, I know it bothers you, Katie.
Why don't you just come right out and ask him?”
Simon walks into the garage and is not pleased to see Henry.
“Well, well, hello, Mrs. -- Ah, what was your name when you showed up
pregnant that time? You know
what? I really don't care. What I
want to know is what the hell you're doing here d how long until you leave.”
“Oh, it's no
mystery as to why I'm here, really,” explains Henry.
“I'm just paying a social call.”
“What, to your old friend here?” asks Simon. “Yeah, the last time you two old buddies put your heads
together, I wound up being the expectant father to a child that didn't exist.
So what little plot are you hatching this time?”
Katie denies that they’re up to something, and says Henry’s only
there to say hello. “No, he isn't,” insists Simon.
“So what are you after? What,
tips on how to become a more convincing drag queen? Lessons on how to walk in high heels?” He walks toward Henry and Henry starts
backing towards the
door. “What, from her, the
original charm school dropout? No.
Oh, my goodness, look at the… I gotta get going.
So… “ “And do not say ciao,” interrupts Simon.
“Right,” says Henry. “Uh,
cheerio!” Henry leaves and Simon says, “I cannot stand that guy.”
“Yeah, I thought he'd never leave,” agrees Katie.
Simon tells her that Craig offered him a job, and part of the
payment is that they get to live in his suite at the Lakeview.
Katie forgets about everything that Henry told her and is excited to be
leaving the garage with Simon.
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