|
|
Thursday, April 17, 2008 Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum. No writer listed due to writer's strike.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Jack: Mike, what are you doing here? Mike: I'm the best man. Jack: I think you're mistaken. I'm the best man. Henry: And they say a good man is hard to find. [ Henry laughs nervously ]
Jack: What are you trying to pull here? Mike: Brad asked me to be his best man. I said yes. Jack: Katie asked me to be Brad's best man. And I said yes. Henry: So, what we have here is a few good men. Army, eat your heart out, right? Oh, thank god for divine intervention. Hi. Right here. Brad, Brad, Brad. Brad, Brad. Brad: Yeah? What, what, what? Henry: Two best men. Not good. Fix it. Brad: Looking sharp, gentlemen. Looking sharp.
Henry: I know this isn't your normal clambake. We are going live, and I suspect it will be lively. Minister: Fear not. I'm a huge fan of Brad and Katie's show. I know exactly what needs to be done. I happen to be an actor by training, myself. R.A.D.A. Henry: R.A.D.A.? Really, the royal academy of dramatic arts? Minister: Russian auxiliary.
[ "Here comes the bride" plays ] Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, honored guests, welcome to a very special episode of "Oakdale Now." Celebrate with us as co-hosts Katie Peretti and Brad Snyder enter into holy matrimony. After a brief word from our sponsor. Henry: That's your cue. Begin the betrothal. Launch the liturgy. Institute the institution. Remember your Russian training, right? The show-ski must go on-ski. Oakdale, we have a problem. He's gone Cindy Brady on us. Katie: What are we going to do? Brad: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen. We are experiencing a minor technical difficulties. We'll go to commercial.
Katie: What are we going to do? Kim: We have two minutes till we come back from commercial. If this gentleman is out of commission, who is going to perform the ceremony? Brad: We could dress up one of the prop guys. Henry: No, no, no, it wouldn't be legal. Brad: It's got to be legal? Kim: Yes. Katie: Henry! Henry: What? Katie: You -- you have a certificate to perform marriages. You did it with me and Mike. You can do it with me and Brad. Henry: Well, considering how the last wedding I officiated at turned out, I -- I'm due for a really big hit. There's, uh -- there's only one problem. Katie: What? Henry: Well, if I'm the clergy, then we are done one man of honor. Brad: That's no sweat. I've got attendants to spare. I mean, you could use Jack and Mike as a loaner. Katie: No! Kim, you're the one who insisted that I have someone. Kim: Honey, we've got 30 seconds to air -- you go out there without clothes, just go. Katie: Let's get married. Brad: Let's strip this dude. Henry: All right. Though I'm pretty sure the church put out a pamphlet frowning on this sort of thing.
Brad: The role of preacher man will now be played by Henry Coleman. Sorry, folks, no understudy for the maid -- matron -- man of honor. You understand what I'm saying. Just an idea -- you folks at home, just imagine that you're standing here, standing up for the bride. Henry: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today in the presence of family and friends, ex-husbands, cameramen and hopefully many a nelson box at home, to join this man and this woman in that ultimate reality show of holy matrimony. As Elizabeth Barrett Browning might have written, how is marriage like a television show, let me count the ways. A marriage must be developed carefully. Focus groups may be consulted, but it's best to take their advice with a grain of salt. A marriage must be watched dutifully and faithfully, daily, to insure its success. It must stay true to its history, yet not be afraid to evolve and keep boredom at bay. Adorable moppets may be added to the cast as the years pass. But they should not push to the back burner our core couple, the ones that got us hooked in the first place. Henry: So, what do you two lovebirds say? Is this pilot ready to go to series? Brad: Lifetime syndication.
Henry: If there is anyone here who can produce a reason why this man and this woman shouldn't receive a multiseason pick-up, let him speak now or forever remain on mute. Those of you at home can play along on our companion website, justgetalongwiththeweddingalready.com. Okay, all right. The cliffhanger has been resolved, so I guess we'll, uh -- we'll cut to the vows. Brad and Katie, you have come here vowing to love, cherish, honor, defend, cheer up, annoy, slam doors on, but still love each other anyway, until death do you part. Would you take each other's hands, please? Put it here. Katie Peretti, do you take this man, Brad Snyder, to be your lawfully wedded husband? To cooperate, co-host, cohabitate and co-parent with, for as long as you both shall live? [ Katie hiccups ] Brad: Was that an I do? [ Katie hiccups ] Henry: Like I was saying, Katie, do you -- [ Katie hiccups ] Mazel tov!
[ Katie hiccups ] Brad: We need a spoonful of sugar. Henry: That's to make medicine go down. Brad: No, that's one of aunt emma's secret recipes for making the hiccups go away. Katie: I'll try anything. Henry: Okay, okay, let me think. Rub your earlobes. [ Katie hiccups ] Tongue to your upper lip. [ Katie hiccups ] Tighten the muscles in your throat. Brad: Ooh, that's a good one. [ Katie hiccups ]
Margo: We're here, we're here. Did we make it? Is the wedding over? Jack: No, just another unscheduled commercial break. Mike: Katie's got a vicious case of the hiccups. Margo: Oh, oh, nerve-ups. That's what we used to call it when she was a kid. It happens every time she gets nervous. Mike: Do you know how to get rid of them? [ Katie hiccups ] Margo: Cellulite! Katie: What? Where? Where? Where, where, where, where? They're gone. I think -- they are! They're gone! [ All laughing ] Henry: Cellulite, Margo? Brad: Yes. Margo: Well, what every woman fears. Shouldn't you be getting married now?
Brad: Welcome back, folks. What do you know, we have another recast. The part of Henry Coleman will now be played by Margo Hughes, matron of honor. Henry: Okay, we are burning daylight, people. Time is money and this isn't the oscars, so we must end on time. So, condensed version -- Brad Snyder -- you, Katie Peretti, love, honor, cherish, and at least pretend to obey from time to time? Brad: I do. Henry: Great. Katie Peretti -- you, Brad Snyder, everything I said to Brad, except for the obey part, because let's not be ridiculous. Katie: I do. Henry: Right. Here, exchange these rings. And now, pledge -- with this ring, I, insert your name, thee wed. Margo: Katie, no second takes. You're absolutely, positively sure Brad's the one? Brad: Katie, with this ring, I thee wed. Katie: Brad, with this ring, I -- Henry: Pass out?
[ part of transcript missing ]
Henry: Ah! So good. Brad: Mmm. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Yahoo, we did it. Thank you for being with us. And don't forget, join Mr. And Mrs. Snyder on the next "Oakdale Now," after the honeymoon. [ Laughter and applause ] Henry: Ah, victory. Jack: Congratulations. Brad: I bet you thought it was never gonna happen. Jack: No, I knew -- I know it was gonna happen. Because I knew it's what she really wanted.
Henry: So, is the whole Katie-loves-Brad vibe finally working on you? Mike: They made it legal, I'll give them that. Say good-bye to the happy couple for me. Henry: What, no kiss for the bride? Mike: I don't feel like getting in line. Henry: Well, as the guy who spent your wedding quietly sobbing into his cake, I would say, "good call."
Waitress: Caught your act on TV, boss. You do a mean wedding. [ Applause ] Henry: I'm also available for christenings and bar mitzvahs. Though rarely at the same time. In honor of my great success, pepparkakor on the house for everybody. [ Applause ] Yes, hello, my spotted siren. I'm on my way home. Be prepared to sing a few rousing choruses of "oh, come let us adore him." All right, my darling. Forgive me, father, for I'm about to do some serious sinning.
|