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Monday, April 26, 2004 Today's show opens with a close-up of Henry, using his finger to get every last drop of the martini out of the glass. "Waiter? Un autre cocktail, s'il vous plait," he says. "You might wanna hold off on that, Henry," says Katie, sitting down at the table with him. "We've got work to do. Sorry I'm so late. I didn't know Cicero was so far away." "Cicero? Why were you doing in Cicero? And don't tell me that you went to buy a grocery stand," says Henry. "No, no, no. I was shopping at one of the largest electronic surveillance stores in the Midwest. And wait till you see what I bought. Tiny little cameras, tiny little microphones," says Katie, unpacking her bag. "And these would be to get us into a tiny bit of trouble?" suggests Henry. "Henry, why are you always so suspicious of me?" asks Katie. "Oh, I don't know, Katie. Maybe it's because you once marooned me on a desert island with a man who makes bigfoot look like Pierce Bronson," poor Henry reminds her. Katie says that was a long time ago, and this is different. "Yeah, you're right. I know. Because I don't want any part of it, all right?" says Henry. "Don't be such a wuss, Henry. All I need you to do is use this equipment to find out how Pilar is going to hurt Mike," says Katie. Henry tells her to forget it, and Katie asks why. "Because in case you haven't noticed, Pilar is usually one step ahead of us," says Henry. Katie explains her latest theory: "Pilar bragged to me that she was planning on killing Mike, and at first I was stumped. I thought, 'Why would she admit to something that she knows I'm suspecting her of?' And then it hit me. She wanted me to run to Mike with the news. So, she could say, 'Oh, Michael, I don't know why Katie is accusing me of such horrible things.' And then Mike would get mad at me, and cut me out of his life, and she would have a full shot at him." "Okay, except Mike already is angry with you and he already has cut you out of his life," Henry reminds her. Katie says that's not the point, this is her plan and they have to stop her. Henry asks how. "Easy. Instead of telling Mike what Pilar is up to, we let Pilar tell him herself," says Katie. "Which is why we got the tiny little equipment," surmises Henry. "Exactly. All you have to do is plant this equipment in Mike's house, and sooner or later, Pilar will tell us, and him, exactly what we want to know," says Katie. Henry tells her it's a great plan in theory, but in reality, "It is last week's clam chowder. I followed her sultriness today as you requested. And she's left Mike and checked into the Wagon Wheel Motel. Where she's also gotten a job as a maid." Katie wonders why she would do that and Henry answers, "I have no idea. But it does poke a few holes in your theory. Don't you think?" "No, it's still part of the same plan. She wants Mike to feel sorry for her so he is off guard. And then when he's not looking, she closes in on him," explains Katie. Henry asks her if she's going to tell Mike this, and she sys she doesn't know. "What am I supposed to do?" she asks. "I don't know, Katie. I really don't. But you know what? We've been at this a long time," says Henry. Katie asks him if he thinks they should quit, and Henry says it does have some appeal. "If you have something to say, Henry, just come out and say it," says Katie. "I don't want to help you anymore," says Henry sadly. "So what am I supposed to do? Just sit back and let Pilar kill Mike?" asks Katie. "It's not your problem," says Henry. "And the idea of you behind bars - you, the eternal hummingbird, being locked up with women who mix their mojitos with motor oil - it's just not something I want to see." "You really are worried about me, aren't you?" realizes Katie. "I mean, forgive me for having a Debby Boone moment here, but her immortal words do come to mind," says Henry. "Don't say it," warns Katie. "Well, it's true," says Henry, holding up a candle in homage to the song "You Light up My Life." "Thank you. You're very sweet. But that's just the guy you are," says Katie, finally recognizing what she has in Henry. Henry asks if this means she'll let Mike take care of himself and hire a lawyer to fight the charges against her, and Katie agrees. "Incredible. I've actually had a good influence on someone. Waiter!" says Henry in celebration. "You know, having Pilar at the Wagon Wheel makes this a lot easier," says Katie, getting that look in her eyes again. "We don't have to rent a van. We can just stash this equipment in the room next to hers," she says. "You haven't heard a word I've said, have you?" says Henry. "Absolutely, I have. And I promise I will get legal advice. Just as soon as I nail Pilar. So, I'd better get going. I'll meet you back here in a couple of hours," says Katie, packing up her bag of supplies and leaving to go bug Pilar's room. Henry calls after her to no avail. Henry calls Mike on his cell phone and says, "It's - it's Henry Coleman. I'm down here at the Metro. I thought you might want to meet me for a little chat." Mike says he's not interested and is about to hang up. "No, wait! Wait, wait, wait. It's very important, and it'll make your life a lot easier," promises Henry. Mike asks Henry if he's trying to tell him something. "Only peace of mind, my brother," says Henry. "I have the inside scoop on what Katie's going to do next. And I don't know, I thought you might like a heads-up." Mike says he'll be right there. Mike and Henry are sitting at a table at Metro. Mike asks Henry what Katie is planning. "Well, uh, right now, she's working on, um - you know, I can't be very specific," says Henry. "Then why the hell am I here?" asks Mike impatiently. "Because I want you to know what's behind all the craziness. She's still in love with you," says Henry. Mike says he doesn't want to listen to this and gets up to leave. "Mike, listen. She is, she is, okay? And that's why you two need to sit down, alone, and see if you can work your ways back together," explains Henry. "Katie's in love with Simon," says Mike. "Oh, come on, Simon's an obsession, all right. Katie's had hundreds of obsessions. But with you it's different. She feels something different for you. It's the real thing. It's, it's - it inspires people to write poetry," says Henry. "We've had so many chances. What's gonna be different about this time?" wonders Mike. "Maybe nothing. But the two of you have been talking at each other for months, and no one's been listening. Try listening, Mike. Give it one last chance," advises Uncle Henry. Meanwhile, at the Wagon Wheel, Katie sneaks into Pilar's room and is caught by the manager. She makes up a story about a new reality show called "The Maid and the Millionaire" and the manager says he'll think about it. After Katie leaves he tells Pilar about the visit and she recognizes Katie in one of her schemes. She tells the manager to let Katie bug her room; she has something planned for poor Katie. Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by Craig Heller.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Henry: Waiter? Un autre cocktail, s'il vous plait. Katie: You might wanna hold off on that, Henry. We've got work to do. Sorry I'm so late. I didn't know Cicero was so far away. Henry: Cicero? Why were you doing in Cicero? And don't tell me that you went to buy a grocery stand. Katie: No, no, no. I was shopping at one of the largest electronic surveillance stores in the Midwest. And wait till you see what I bought. Tiny little cameras, tiny little microphones -- Henry: And these would be to get us into a tiny bit of trouble? Katie: Henry, why are you always so suspicious of me? Henry: Oh, I don't know, Katie. Maybe it's because you once marooned me on a desert island with a man who makes bigfoot look like Pierce Bronson. Katie: That was a long time ago. This is gonna be completely different. Henry: Yeah, you're right. I know. Because I don't want any part of it, all right? Katie: Don't be such a wuss, Henry. All I need you to do is use this equipment to find out how Pilar is going to hurt Mike. Henry: Forget it. Katie: Why? Henry: Because in case you haven't noticed, Pilar is usually one step ahead of us.
Katie: Pilar bragged to me that she was planning on killing Mike, and at first I was stumped. I thought, "why would she admit to something that she knows I'm suspecting her of?" And then it hit me. She wanted me to run to Mike with the news. So, she could say, "oh, Michael, I don't know why Katie is accusing me of such horrible things." And then Mike would get mad at me, and cut me out of his life, and she would have a full shot at him. Henry: Okay, except Mike already is angry with you and he already has cut you out of his life. Katie: That's not the point. This is her plan, and we have to stop her. Henry: Okay, I'm game. How do we stop her? Katie: Easy. Instead of telling Mike what Pilar is up to, we let Pilar tell him herself. [ Henry hums ] Henry: Which is why we got the tiny little equipment. Katie: Exactly. All you have to do is plant this equipment in Mike's house, and sooner or later, Pilar will tell us, and him, exactly what we want to know. Henry: You know, in theory, that is a great plan. Katie: Thank you. Henry: In reality, it is last week's clam chowder. Katie: Why? Henry: Because, I followed her sultriness today as you requested. And she's left Mike and checked into the Wagon Wheel Motel. Where she's also gotten a job as a maid. Katie: Why would she do that? Henry: I have no idea. But it does poke a few holes in your theory. Don't you think? Katie: No, it's still part of the same plan. She wants Mike to feel sorry for her so he is off guard. And then when he's not looking, she closes in on him. Henry: You planning on telling Mike about this? Katie: Maybe. I don't know. What am I supposed to do? Henry: I don't know, Katie. I really don't. But you know what? We've been at this a long time. Katie: And what? You think we should quit? Henry: Well, the idea does have some appeal. Hmm? Katie: If you have something to say, Henry, just come out and say it. Henry: I don't want to help you anymore.
Katie: So what am I supposed to do? Just sit back and let Pilar kill Mike? Henry: It's not your problem. [ Katie sighs ] And the idea of you behind bars -- you, the eternal hummingbird, being locked up with women who mix their mojitos with motor oil -- it's just not something I want to see. Katie: You really are worried about me, aren't you? Henry: I mean, forgive me for having a Debby Boone moment her, but her immortal words do come to mind. Katie: Don't say it. Henry: Well, it's true. Katie: Thank you. You're very sweet. Henry: Good. Katie: But that's just the guy you are. Henry: Does this mean you'll let Mike take care of himself? Katie: Yes, it does. Henry: And that you'll hire a lawyer and take these charges against you seriously? Katie: Absolutely. Henry: Incredible. I've actually had a good influence on someone. Waiter! [ Henry laughs ] Katie: You know, having Pilar at the Wagon Wheel makes this a lot easier. Henry: What? Katie: We don't have to rent a van. We can just stash this equipment in the room next to hers. Henry: You haven't heard a word I've said, have you? Katie: Absolutely, I have. And I promise I will get legal advice. Just as soon as I nail Pilar. So, I'd better get going. I'll meet you back here in a couple of hours. Henry: Hey --
Mike: Hello? Henry: It's -- it's Henry Coleman. I'm down here at the Metro. I thought you might want to meet me for a little chat. Mike: I'm not interested, Henry. Bye. Henry: No, wait! Wait, wait, wait. It's very important, and it'll make your life a lot easier. Mike: You're not trying to sell me something, are you? Henry: Only peace of mind, my brother. I have the inside scoop on what Katie's going to do next. And I don't know, I thought you might like a heads-up. Mike: I'll be right there.
Mike: So what's she planning next? Henry: Well, uh, right now, she's working on, um -- you know, I can't be very specific. Mike: Then why the hell am I here? Henry: Because I want you to know what's behind all the craziness. She's still in love with you. Mike: I'm not going to listen to this. Henry: Mike, listen. She is, she is, okay? And that's why you two need to sit down, alone, and see if you can work your ways back together. Mike: Katie's in love with Simon. Henry: Oh, come on, Simon's an obsession, all right. Katie's had hundreds of obsessions. But with you it's different. She feels something different for you. It's the real thing. It's, it's -- it inspires people to write poetry. Mike: We've had so many chances. What's gonna be different about this time? Henry: Maybe nothing. But the two of you have been talking at each other for months, and no one's been listening. Try listening, Mike. Give it one last chance.
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