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Thursday, May 30, 2002

Rose and Henry open the show today.  Henry is explaining to Rose the difficulties of selling a 30k diamond, and Rose is threatening to bust his teeth if he doesn't tell her what he wants from her.  What does he want?  More!  Rose tells Henry that he has the diamond, what more does he need?  Henry asks Rose if she's ever heard of the word provenance, or is that too many syllables?  How about document of origin?  "How about a fat lip for you, Henry?"  Henry says he needs proof that the diamond is real.  It's not for him, it's for the buyers.  He knows it's real, that it's called the Rose of Sharon, and that it's from the Carpenter family.  Rose says the Carpenters are her birth mother's parents, and they left the diamond to her along with a letter.  Henry is so happy to hear that he says, "I could kiss you."  Rose says if he does she'll "kick him where the sun don't shine."  Henry asks where the letter is.  "Don't you mean provenance?" corrects Rose.  "Look, she can be taught," says Henry.  Rose says that she doesn't leave the letter lying around where someone like Henry can get his grubby mitts on it.  "My mitts are pristine, I assure you," responds Henry.  Rose has the letter stashed away in a safe deposit box.  "I would have thought your brassiere, but the bank works really well."  Rose wonders why she would share this letter with Henry, and he says he'd be doing her a favor because the diamond is cursed.  "Read my lips, hot pants.  The Rose of Sharon should be called the Kiss of Death."

Rose isn't buying Henry's scary tale of the cursed diamond.  If she doesn't give him the letter, the boogeyman will come and get her?  "Oh, you've met Cooley?" asks Henry.  "Whatever you're selling, it starts with a B and it stinks!"  says Rose.  So Henry gives her some examples of the bad luck.  Rose got the diamond because her real family dumped her and then felt guilty.  Lily started snooping around about the diamond and Simon's sister tried to kill her.  That same sister " is having eternal rest in what pirates used to call Davy Jones' locker."  Rose wonders where Henry's bad luck is, he seems to be in one piece.  He replies that he's had his share.  He had to share his treasure with Cooley, who thinks sand fleas are a delicacy.  His martini supply dried up.  And the first contact they had in the States tried to steal the diamond, then died of a heart attack.  Rose lays out the situation - she gives Henry the letter, he sells it, the curse is gone, and he retires to Fiji.  Henry denies the last part, he doesn't want to see an island again!  He suggests that they work together to sell the diamond, because word of the diamond is on the street.  Yeah, because of Henry and Cooley, observes Rose.  Henry admits that but says that if not for him risking his life, the diamond would still be at the bottom of the ocean.  If Rose gets in the way of the people who want the diamond, Henry warns her, they'll "chew you up and spit you out like day old kibble."

Rose tells Henry that she did not claw her way out of a coffin just to be scared away by a dipstick like him.  Henry tells her that if she bails him out they can go to the Caribbean tonight where he has a potential buyer waiting for the diamond.  Henry says they'll break the bank, and Rose responds that she'll break his head.  Henry tells her she has serious anger issues.  Rose turns Henry down and tells him he'll be very popular in lock up, where they like good-looking guys!  Rose leaves and Jack comes in the interrogation room to take Henry back to his cell.  He tells him they're overcrowded and he'll need to share a cell with an inmate named Tiny.  Henry is hauled off to his cell.

Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilboum and written by Judith Donato.

Transcripts from ATWTweekly

[ Oakdale Police Station - Interrogation Room ]
>> Henry: Have you -- have you ever tried to sell a 30 carat diamond? That's why I'm here, Rose. Because you possess the key. The key that will make everybody happy.
>> Rose: Let's go! Name it! Or I'll bust your teeth in. Come on!
>> Henry: Okay, okay. Like you, Rose, the concept of "more" -- it's very near and dear to my heart. "What do you want, Henry?" "I want more." "More what, Henry?" "I want more money. I want more power. More everything."
>> Rose: You got my diamond. You got my diamond. What more do you want?
>> Henry: Are you familiar with the concept or the term if "provenance"? Is that too many syllables for you. How about this, Rose -- "document of origin"? Hmm?
>> Rose: How about a fat lip for you, Henry?
>> Henry: How about proof that the ice is the real deal?
>> Rose: It's a diamond. It even has a name. That's not proof enough for you?
>> Henry: Yes. It's the Rose of Sharon. It's from the Carpenter family.
>> Rose: Well, are we playing family tree now?
>> Henry: Exactly.
>> Rose: Oh. Okay. Well, the Carpenters are my birth mother's parents. And a long, long time ago, my pop got this letter that proves the diamond is mine.
>> Henry: Oh, Rose, I could kiss you!
>> Rose: Oh, you try it and I will kick you where the sun don't shine! Don't even touch me!
>> Henry: Okay, okay. Where's the letter?
>> Rose: Don't you mean "provenance"?
>> Henry: Oh, look, she taught. Yes, that's what I'm talking about. Do you have the letter or not?
>> Rose: Oh, you know what I do? I leave that lyin' around for people like who get your grubby mitts on it.
>> Henry: My mitts are pristine, I assure you.
>> Rose: Ah, yes, I see you got a manicure. So is the letter. It's tucked away.
>> Henry: It's tucked away?
>> Rose: Yes, in a safe deposit box.
>> Henry: Oh, well, I would have thought your brassiere, but the bank works really well. How fast can you bail me outta here?
[ Rose laughs ]
>> Rose: I think you got too much sun on that island. It turned your brain to polenta. You think I'm gonna help you fence my diamond?!
>> Henry: Rose, I'm doing you the biggest favor of your life.
>> Rose: You're tryin' to rob me blind!
>> Henry: The diamond is cursed, Rose. You gotta believe me. Now, read my lips, hot pants -- the Rose of Sharon should be called the kiss of death.

[ Oakdale Police Station - Interrogation Room ]
>> Rose: That's your best material, the diamond is cursed? Ha. So I give you the letter of provenance or the boogeyman's gonna come get me?
>> Henry: Oh, so you've met Cooley.
>> Rose: Ah, whatever you're sellin', it is beginning with the letter "B" and it really stinks.
>> Henry: Rose, it's the truth. Listen, the only reason that you have the rock is because your real family dumped you, and then they felt guilty about it. Now, do you think that's high up there on the good luck scale?
>> Rose: You better watch -- watch it! Those are good people. They raised me right.
>> Henry: Yeah, I know, I know, I know. They were saints. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And have you ever noticed that saints never have a dime? And then, you know, Lily goes and sniffs around the diamond, and simple Simon's sister tries to kill her. Oh, and what happened to the sister? Let's think about that. Yes. I think now that she is having eternal rest in what pirates used to call Davy Jones' locker. Do you want more?
>> Rose: Where's your bad luck, Henry? You seem to be in one piece to me.
>> Henry: Oh. Oh, no. No, no, no. I've had plenty of it. The minute that diamond landed at my feet, it's all been downhill from there. My martini supply -- dried up. And I was forced to share the wealth with Mr. Cooley.
>> Rose: Really?
>> Henry: Yeah, a lonely and strange man who thinks that sand fleas are a delicacy. Then, as soon as we are rescued -- I mean, like the minute that we get back to the land of the free and the home of the brave, our first contact, he tries to steal the diamond right out from under our noses.
>> Rose: Another bird get in his way, too?
>> Henry: No, no. It was worse. He dropped dead on the spot. Heart attack. Flatline, no time for the paddles.
>> Rose: Mm. Okay, let me think about this. So I am supposed to give you the letter so you can sell my diamond. The diamond is gone. No more curse.
>> Henry: If by that you mean that you get to marry prince charming and live happily ever after, yes.
>> Rose: And you what? You take the money and you retire to Fiji?
>> Henry: Oh, please, do you think I wanna see another island in this lifetime? No, no, no. What I'm suggesting here, Rose, is that we work together. And that we do this soon because -- I gotta tell you, the word is out on the street about your diamond.
>> Rose: Because of you and your guy, your little friend there on the island. You're throwin' it around like confetti!
>> Henry: I know, I know, I know. We were very, very careless about that. But bluefish would still be sucking on this stone right now if I had not risked my bacon to bring it home. We've got no time to lose. The dogs are nipping at our heels. Every lowlife on the planet wants a piece of this action. Can you hear them barking, Rose, hmm?
[ Barking ] Do you hear that, okay? They're desperate, and they're hungry. They'll do whatever it takes to get in on this.
>> Rose: So what are you tellin' me? There's high rollers out there who are gonna tear me up, tear me to pieces to get my diamond?
>> Henry: Well, I'm telling you that, if you get in their way, they will chew you up and spit you out like day-old kibble.
>> Rose: I did not crawl my way out of a coffin and come back to this town so some dipstick like you can scare me half to death. All right?
>> Henry: The threat is real, Rose. Now, look, you and I can exchange our own threats until the next bull market. It doesn't change the fact that the diamond is a jinx.
>> Rose: You're a jinx.
>> Henry: This is a chance for both of us to get the monkey off our backs.
>> Rose: So I spring you out of here and help you sell the diamond?
>> Henry: Yeah. I've already got a buyer lined up. We can leave tonight.
>> Rose: Leave for where?
>> Henry: The last island that I ever hope to see. In a place called Havana in the Caribbean.
>> Rose: Havana? Uh, last I checked, they weren't welcoming the U.S. of A. with open arms.
>> Henry: That's why, fortunately for us, I still have friends in low places. We just sneak in. We collect our fortune. We sneak right on out. We break the curse. We break the bank. It's a win-win for everybody.
>> Rose: How about I break your head, just for fun?
>> Henry: Has anyone ever told you have anger issues? You do.
>> Rose: No. No deal.
>> Henry: "No" to what?
>> Rose: Uh, no to the diamond. No to the letter. And no to your amigos with deep pockets.
>> Henry: No to riding off into the sunset with your honey?
[ Rose laughs ]
>> Rose: Good luck in lockup, Henry. I hear, down there, they really like good-looking guys there. You'll do really well.
[ Henry sighs ]
>> Jack: Hey, Rose. What's goin' on?
>> Henry: Not now, Jack.
>> Jack: What -- we're overcrowded downstairs, Henry. So I'm gonna introduce you to your new roommate, Tiny.
>> Henry: Tiny? Wait, I'm a Wharton MBA here. I've seen the error of my ways --
>> Jack: Take him back down to lockup. 
>> Henry: How about time off for good behavior?

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