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Monday, May 31, 2010

Henry's niece Eliza is being christened, and Barbara tells him that Vienna is not welcome.  Henry tells Vienna that the ceremony has been cancelled and goes alone, but she finds out from Casey that it's still on.  She shows up and makes a scene at the party.  Later, Henry admits to her that he has feelings for Barbara, but nothing is going to come of it because he's committed to Vienna and their baby.  But what he doesn't know is - there is no baby!

Today’s episode was directed by Chris Goutman and written by Josh Griffith.


Transcripts from TVMegasite

[Both laugh]

Vienna: Oh! That was fantastic.

Henry: I'll say.

Vienna: I've really missed our caped crusader games.

Henry: Uh-huh.

Vienna: Yeah, you really are my hero -- my sexy hero.

Henry: Are you, uh --

Vienna: There's just something about you in a cape.

Henry: You're, uh -- you're okay, right? You're not in, like, any kind of pain or anything? I mean, we got a little strenuous there. I didn't -- make sure it didn't hurt the baby.

Vienna: No, no, no. I told you, I told you. Dr. Gravid said it was fine for us to make love.

Henry: Okay. Gravid -- that's such a weird name. Where is he from again?

Vienna: I have no idea. But he's very delightful and caring. And we -- we didn't do anything we shouldn't have.

Henry: I just want to take care of you and my baby -- our baby.

Vienna: [Laughs] "Our baby." I love it when you say that. [Sighs] I wish we could stay here all day. But we got to get ready for your niece's christening.

Henry: Yeah.

Vienna: Yes.

[Henry laughs]

[Knock on door]

Henry: Vienna, did you order room service?

[Water running]

Barbara: Oh, good god. I do have a knack for showing up at the worst times, don't I?

Henry: This is not what it looks like. This is exactly what it looks like.

Barbara: Don't explain, please.

Henry: Um, what can I do for you, Barbara?

Barbara: I just wanted to know if you were planning to come to Eliza's christening.

Henry: Uh, yes, I was. She is my niece.

Barbara: Good. I will see you there. But I have one small request. Please leave your fiancée at home. Vienna is most definitely not welcome.

Henry: What do you mean Vienna's not welcome?!

Barbara: [Sighs] It is a small gathering, a family affair for a family that is strained to its limits, and we don't need any unnecessary distractions.

Henry: She's not a distraction. She's my fiancée. She's carrying my baby. How much more family can you get?

Barbara: I am asking you to do this for Eliza, for your niece.

Henry: I don't think Vienna's gonna be a distraction to Eliza either. This isn't about Eliza, Barbara. This is about you, isn't it?

Barbara: So what if it is? You know, I'm gonna have enough difficulty during this christening dealing with meg and Emily's constant bickering without having to watch Vienna drape herself all over you like a drooling teenager.

Henry: I will make sure she refrains from doing that. She will be very respectful. But she's my family, too, Barbara.

Barbara: You know, I don't really care. I'm asking you to do this for me. You and I meant a great deal to each other not very long ago. And because of that, I am asking you please, please honor my wishes.


Vienna: Oh, no. Don't tell me you went out like that. Who were you talking to?

Henry: Barbara.

Vienna: Oh. And what did she want?

Henry: To tell me that the christening has been canceled.

Vienna: What? No! Why?

Henry: Oh, uh, somebody came down with something. I don't know. She wasn't very specific.

Vienna: Oh, I was so looking forward to it.

Henry: Yeah. Me too. Oh, well.

Vienna: I was gonna wear this.

Henry: Ah.

Vienna: Do you like it?

Henry: Oh, I much more than like. We're gonna just have to save that for another, uh, occasion.

Vienna: It wasn't just a dress. I was just looking forward to experiencing my first America baby christening. You know, it -- it was gonna inspire me for what we can do for ours.

Henry: Yeah, I know, baby. It's all right. We are gonna have plenty of time for that.


Emily: Fantastic. Hi, Henry.

Henry: Hello, ladies.

Alison: Where's Vienna?

Henry: Unfortunately, she's under the weather.

Alison: Really?

Henry: Yeah.

Emily: Oh, well, I'm sorry. Well, I'm glad you're here anyway. Hope you brought a flak jacket.

Paul: Henry, so glad you're here. I wanted to ask you a favor.

Henry: Sure, I think.

Paul: Would you be Eliza's godfather?

Henry: Wow. Uh, yes, I'd be -- I'd be honored to do that. Um, what do I have to do?

Paul: Well, mostly you just have to help me make sure that none of the women in the room kill each other.

Henry: Okay, that's it. Someone tell me what in the hell is going on around here.

Minister: Careful, Mr. Coleman. This is a family gathering.

Henry: Right. I'm sorry, reverend. It's just, uh, I'm a little confused.

Paul: Join the club. All right. Let's have a christening.


Minister: Will you, Emily, and you, Henry, look after Eliza's spiritual life and protect her from evil always?

Both: I will.

Minister: Let us all look after and pray for Eliza Ryan.

All: Amen.

Vienna: Oh, no. Don't tell me I'm late. 


Paul: I'd like to thank all of you for making this moment in Eliza's life possible. And this is a new beginning for us, and I hope that you can all join and enjoy of raising her, my daughter, Eliza.

Barbara: And we will, Paul, because Eliza has family who love her. We all care about her well-being. Right, meg? Right, Emily?

Meg: Nothing is more important.

Emily: She's the only thing that matters.

Paul: Okay, that's enough speeches. I'm boring even myself. Why don't we all go back to the house and celebrate?

Henry: Yes. Now we're talking.

Emily: Can I take her from you?

Meg: I'm fine. I can manage.

Emily: Are you sure? You look a little --

Meg: I said I'm fine.

Paul: You know what? Uh, the car seat's already in the car, okay? And -- and you can see Eliza when you get there.

Meg: Okay, you're right. Have fun with daddy, sweetie, okay?


Vienna: What a beautiful ceremony.

Barbara: Yes. It's too bad you missed most of it.

Vienna: I know. I feel terrible. We should go. I don't want to miss the party, as well. So we'll see you at Fairwinds?

Barbara: Yes. Of course.

Vienna: I thought you said the christening was canceled.

Henry: Yes. There was some kind of misunderstanding.

Vienna: Really?

Henry: I -- either that or Barbara got it wrong. Um, I was talking to Mr. Exeter, and then Paul called and said, "where are you?" And then I raced over here as fast as I could. I -- I almost didn't make it in time.

Vienna: And you didn't think of calling me?

Henry: Yeah, I thought about calling you, but I didn't think you had enough time to get ready.

Vienna: You know I can make myself look fabulous in the dropping of a hat.

Henry: Yes, I know that. Of course you can. I'm sorry. Can you forgive me? I'm sorry.

Vienna: No, it's fine. Henry, it's fine. I'm here, I made it, and we're gonna go to the party together.

Henry: Yes.

Vienna: Shall we?

Henry: Yes. I could use a martini or 2 -- or 12.


Henry: Um, why don't you grab us, uh, some bubbly, liebchen? Champagne for me, a sparkling cider for you, of course.

Vienna: Oh, always looking out for me.

Henry: Yeah.

Vienna: Be right back.

Barbara: And what part of "she is not welcome here" did you not understand?

Henry: I told her that the christening was canceled. Whoever told her differently, I don't know.

Barbara: Well, obviously, somebody did.

Henry: Look, the worst part is over, Barbara. This is just a party. You won't even know that she's here.

Vienna: Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Henry: Oh, oh.

Vienna: I have something I'd like to say.

[Henry sighs]

Barbara: Guess what? I'm aware she's here.

Vienna: I have a wonderful announcement to make to add to this wonderful occasion.

Henry: Uh-oh.

Vienna: Henry and I -- we are getting married, and we are expecting our own child. So in a short few months, this wonderful family will be gathered again to christen our own little boy or a girl.

Barbara: Good heavens! Do you have to make everything about you?

Henry: Barbara --

Barbara: I mean it. This is not her party or her celebration. How dare you try to hijack this limelight?

Paul: Mom, that's enough.

Barbara: It's not enough. It's not. This is terribly inappropriate.

Vienna: I don't think this is, uh, inappropriate at all.

Barbara: No, you wouldn't. You shallow, narcissistic woman.

Paul: Mother --

Vienna: What did you call me?

Barbara: Narcissistic. Look it up. It begins with an "N."

Vienna: Really? And I thought it started with a "b," as in "Barbara." There's nothing more pathetic than an old, aging woman trying to compete with somebody --

Henry: Stop it. That's uncalled for.

Vienna: She started it.

Henry: Well, I'm ending it. Uh, I apologize. We have another engagement. Paul, Emily, thank you so much for being so gracious and understanding. Let's go.

Vienna: Cheers.

Paul: Yeah. I think this is turning out to be a really great party.

Barbara: Well, don't blame me. Blame that eurotrash little hussy.


Barbara: How dare she try to humiliate me in front of my entire family.

Paul: All right, all right. It's okay. Can I get you something?

Barbara: No. I'm fine.

Paul: Listen, what I said before, I think maybe I was wrong. I think maybe you should move in here. You know, I don't think you should stay at the hotel and constantly run into Henry and Vienna like that.

Barbara: You mean that?

Paul: Yes, I do. I want you to live here.

Emily: I don't. Not in a million years.


Vienna: I don't understand what I did that was so wrong.

Henry: Uh, what, like referring to Barbara as an old hag?

Vienna: I never said old hag.

Henry: You used words to that effect. It was cruel. And it's also far from the truth.

Vienna: And why do you always have a need to defend her?

Henry: I don't!

Vienna: Yes, you do! You always take her side over mine. And don't think that I don't know why.

Henry: What are you talking about?

Vienna: No, yeah, I don't know, yeah, because there was no business meeting today, and -- and Barbara didn't come here to tell you that the christening was over. It was just you. You didn't want me to be there because you wanted to be alone with her.

Henry: No, no, no, no. You got that all wrong.

Vienna: No, I don't got it all wrong, Henry. I don't. And I can't stand pretending anymore. You know, it maybe started out as a cheap trick to get your father's money, but it turned into something else. Just admit it. You're feeling something for her. You care about her, don't you?

Henry: All right, all right! I do. I care about Barbara.


Henry: Yes, I have feelings for Barbara, but nothing is gonna come of it.

Vienna: How can you be so sure?

Henry: Because I -- I love you. You think I'm gonna leave you for her? No. Is that what you're thinking? I love you. She knows that. And you should know it, too.

Vienna: [Scoffs] You -- you can't tell me that you have feelings for another woman and expect me to pretend that everything is fine.

Henry: Everything is fine! We're together. We're happy. We're gonna have a baby.

Vienna: And if -- if we weren't?

Henry: What are you talking about?

Vienna: If we weren't pregnant, would you be as in love with me?

Henry: This is silly. You are pregnant.

Vienna: That's not an answer.


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