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Thursday, June 18, 2009 Henry's latest alter ego, Geneva Swift, makes another appearance on WOAK, this time on "Oakdale Now." Katie is watching and calls Henry's cell phone during the show. She's surprised to see that Geneva's cell phone is ringing at the same time, and realizes that Geneva is Henry. She confronts him about it, but he swears her to secrecy.
Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by David A. Levinson.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Fan: Hey, aren't you that lady from the TV show? Vienna: Oh, you're a fan of "Oakdale Now"? [Laughter] Fan: After everything that I saw yesterday, well, I am a huge fan. Vienna: Oh, that's so sweet. Fan: You think I can get an autographed photo? Vienna: Of me? Fan: Of only you, sweetheart. I can't get you out of my head. Henry: Really? Maybe you should think about taking a cold shower, okay, buddy? Beat it, beat it, beat it! Vienna: Henry, that man was a part of the audience of "Oakdale Now." You can't be rude to fans like that. Henry: I was rude? Did you hear what he was saying to you and the way he was drooling over you? That was disgusting! Vienna: Okay, do you even hear yourself right now? You sound like Geneva Swift. [Deep voice] Henry: I'm sorry. Vienna: Okay. I know you didn't mean it. Listen, I got to go to work. Do you want to walk me to the studio? Henry: I would love to, but I'm going to pay the bill, actually. Got to take care of the bill. Vienna: Okay. You'll watch the show, right? Henry: Oh, baby, I would not miss it for the world. Mwah! Oh -- [Feminine voice] Yes, hello. Mrs. Hughes? This is Geneva Swift. If you'd still like me on the show, I'm in. Kim: Fantastic! How soon can you be here? Henry: In two shakes of a lamb's tail.
Henry: Why are women's clothes always so difficult? Ah, just there. [Cell phone rings] Yeah. Hello. Katie: Hey, it's me. What are you doing? Henry: Uh, nothing. Katie: Well, I'm desperate for a little company. I was wondering if you would come over. I don't know if it's the hormones or just being confined to this bed, but I'm really lonely. Henry: Uh, gee, Katie. I really wish I could, but, uh -- Katie: No, don't say but! Say yes. Please? We can watch the show together and support each other if Vienna has another wardrobe malfunction. Henry: Trust me, all the breasts will stay exactly where they belong today. Katie: Oh, really? What did you do? Have a talk with them? What are you doing that's so important? Henry: Um, remodeling. Katie: Where? Henry: At metro. Some cosmetic changes. Katie: To what? Henry: Katie, I'm sorry. I really got to go. I'll talk to you later. Bye. So sorry, sister, but this mister has a date, and he can't be late.
Kim: Oh, good, good, good. I wanted to see you now. Our show is gonna be a little different today. We have a special guest star, and I want -- Brad: Please don't tell me. No, no. Vienna: No, it can't be. Kim: Oh, but it is. Geneva Swift herself. Vienna: No, no, no. That crazy old bat is gonna be in our show? Brad: No, Kim. Come on. I agree with Vienna here, okay? The woman's a crackpot. I mean, nobody cares what she has to say. Kim: Well, I don't know about that. I disagree with you. Vienna: Oh, so you agree with her? I'm -- I'm a jezebel? Kim: No, no! Absolutely not. But she has an opinion, and she is entitled to express it. Listen, for all we know, it could be a big portion of our audience agrees with her positions. Brad: Well, I'm gonna give our audience a little bit more credit than that. Kim: Okay, fine, but just remember this -- Geneva Swift is real, she is outspoken, and people love to hear what she has to say. Vienna: Why? Kim: Why? Well, I don't know. I mean, maybe it's because when she shows up, you're not sure what's gonna happen. It's not scripted. There's an element of surprise. Look, all I know is she brings a lot more eyeballs to the screen. And isn't that what we're here supposed to do? Brad: And we -- we have to go along with it? Kim: Well, if you want to continue to work here, yes. Brad: Fine. Kim: Vienna? Vienna: You're the boss. Kim: Okay. Well, don't forget it. Okay. Oh, there you are! Wonderful. We are so glad you could join us. Henry: Oh, so am I. I am -- I have been given a voice, and I -- I will be heard. Vienna: Oh, oh! I've heard you, all right, and i want you to look me in the eye and say all the horrible things about me to my face!
Vienna: Well, I'm waiting. Speak! Henry: Is that what you're wearing on the show today? Vienna: It's couture. Henry: Is that French for "see-through"? Vienna: Are you really gonna let her speak to me like that?! Kim: All right. Calm down. Just stay calm. Brad: Kim's right. Don't let her get to you. Save it for the show. Henry: I'm sorry. It must be her perfume. I think it's best if you don't seat us so close together. Kim: All right, all right, all right. Vienna: Fine, fine, fine. Kim: Listen, as you can see, we're all very -- excited to have you here. Henry: She really should change her blouse. It looks like she's wearing nothing at all. Kim: You know, I wouldn't worry about that if I were you. Henry: I do. Kim: I know. But what I'm trying to say, my point is that once we are on the air, all you have to do is state your case, and Brad and Vienna will respond. Uh, it's not that I'm asking you to hold back. Henry: Oh, I have no intention of holding back, Mrs. Hughes. The women of the Illinois Citizens Against Nudity are depending on me. Kim: I remember. Henry: Yes, yes. Our moral decency is at stake. Kim: No holds barred. Henry: Ms. Hughes, the only bar you need to worry about is the black bar that will be running across the screen when Ms. Hyatt is on. Kim: As many of you know, our station generated quite a buzz recently when Vienna experienced an on-air wardrobe malfunction. So joining us today is a concerned viewer of "Oakdale Now," Ms. Geneva Swift. Ms. Swift, would you be good enough to explain to our viewers your concerns? Henry: With pleasure. I know many of you out there are watching at home with your young children, and I know that you all agree with me that what aired the other day was simply inappropriate and unacceptable! Kim: Ms. Swift, may I ask you, do you have children? Henry: No, I have not been blessed as such. Vienna: Oh, that's a surprise. Henry: But I know that if I did have children and they had been at my knee watching as Ms. Hyatt's mammary bounced up and down on the screen, their poor little eyes would have been scarred for life! Vienna: It was an accident. Henry: There is a time and a place for baring one's body, Ms. Hyatt. That is at night with the lights off and in the bedroom, not on my daytime television. Katie: This woman is nuts! Kim: I would remind you that I did explain to you, that was not intentional. That was an accident. Brad: We were doing the tango. It could have happened to anybody. Henry: I think some of my moral friends would disagree. Brad: Okay, well, let me show you. Henry: Show me what? Brad: How it could happen. Henry: Oh, I don't think so. Brad: Oh, come on! You might even enjoy it. Henry: That is rude and suggestive! And I am hardly dressed to dance. Brad: Please, Ms. Swift. Let's just try it. Come on. Henry: You watch your hips, young man. Brad: Really, no problem. Whoa. Okay. You're pretty light on your feet. Henry: Mother was a fan of the June Taylor dancers ooh. Oh, my. Katie: Oh, my god. Henry has got to see this. Brad: That -- that's how it's done. [Applause] Kim: Uh, wonderful. Well-done. Well-done, Ms. Swift. Now I'm sure you can see that doing the tango can be quite challenging physically, and you must be able to understand how the accident could have happened. [Cell phone ringing] Operator: The caller you are trying to reach is unavailable. Please leave your message after the beep. [Cell phone beeps] Katie: No way. Oh, my god. Is that -- it is. That's Henry.
Katie: I can't believe he's doing this! What is Henry thinking?! Henry: On the contrary, Ms. Hughes, I think the dance just proved my point. Brad: Which is what? Henry: That it can be done without exposing oneself. Therefore, the problem here is obviously Ms. Hyatt! Vienna: Me? Henry: Yes, you. You and your flagrant sexual displays are ruining what was once a wholesome, decent show. Brad: It's not like she comes out here every day and does a striptease. I mean, it was a tango. What happened happened. She apologized for it. It won't happen again. I just don't understand why you're making a federal case out of it. Kim: Brad -- Brad: No, no, no. Kim, I mean, we've -- we have done sexual stuff on the show before. So I don't understand why you're coming down so hard on Vienna now. Henry: Well, it's because I -- Vienna: Well, I'll tell you why. Kim: Oh, no. Vienna: Because she is -- she's a jealous woman. She -- yes, that's what she is. She's a sad, lonely, old, jealous woman. Henry: Well, I never! Vienna: Never? Never? Oh, my. That might be the other part of your problem. Brad: Vienna -- Vienna: No, no. She is just -- she just can't stand that I have a healthy sex life and -- and she has what? A goldfish? Or maybe two, huh? Yeah, Ms. -- Ms. Swift, you -- you -- you need to loosen up a little bit and -- and be more comfortable in your own body. Henry: Kindly don't talk about my body, please. Vienna: You know, i used to be a professional masseuse, and so I can easily show you how to relax. Henry: No, no, no. I don't think so. Vienna: Right here, you have a very sensual trigger point. Henry: No, no, no! Ms. Hyatt, please. I am not that kind of lady. Vienna: I barely touched you. Henry: Jezebel! Kim: Ms. Swift, wait a minute. We're still on the air. Henry: Ms. Swift is over and out of here. Kim: Well, we'll be back after this commercial. Katie: Oh, Henry, you are so busted.
Henry: God. How do they breathe in this stuff. [Cell phone rings] Hello. Katie: Hey, it's me. Can you come over? Henry: When? Right now? Katie: Please. Henry: Is -- is something wrong? Is -- is it the baby? Have you talked to Brad? Katie: No, uh, the baby's fine. It's something very important though, so hurry. [Henry sighs]
[Henry breathing heavily] Henry: Katie? Bubbles, are you okay? I got here as soon as I can. Are you all right? Katie: Oh, my god. Did you see the show today? Henry: The what? The show? No, no. Uh, I was at the diner. Katie: I thought you said you were going to metro. Henry: Yes, metro. But then the diner and then here, which is why I'm completely out of breath. I'm exhausted. I own too many businesses. Mwah! Katie: Yeah. Must be tough trying to be in more than one place at a time. Henry: Yeah, yeah, it is. Sometimes, I don't even know where I'm at any given moment. Katie: Or who you are. Henry: No, I -- no. I always know who I am. W -- what's the hubbub, bub? Why'd you get me over here so fast? Man. Katie: I really want to talk to you. I am very worried about this Geneva Swift woman. Henry: Why? Katie: You should have seen her today. She was attacking Vienna, calling her all kinds of names. It seemed very -- personal. Henry: Oh, poor Vienna. Katie: Yeah, poor thing. She was humiliated. Henry: Well, I mean, come on. If it was that bad, Kim would have stopped the show. Katie: Yeah, I couldn't believe she didn't. Geneva was being downright vicious. Henry: Well, maybe she had a point. Katie: And what would that be? Henry: Just Vienna's -- very exotic. She's very sexual. And I don't know if people want that in, you know -- in their rooms or their living rooms in the middle of the afternoon. There are kids home at that time of day, you know? Katie: Wow. That's weird. Henry: What? Katie: That's exactly what Geneva said. How would you know that? Henry: What else would this woman say to my liebchen? Katie: One can only imagine. Henry: I am thirsty. I'm parched. Do you want something? I'm gonna get a glass of water. You want anything? Katie: Uh, just that, uh, wastebasket over there. Henry: Okay. What's the matter? You, uh -- you're not feeling well? Katie: I feel fine, Geneva.
Henry: How did you know it was me? Katie: Like I've never seen you in a dress before. [Henry sighs] I was the one who called your cell phone. Henry: That was you?! Katie: Yes, and that's when i realized why you're doing this -- because you're jealous of Vienna. Henry: Oh, I am not jealous of Vienna. Katie: Of the attention that she's getting. You don't like how everybody, including Brad, is starting to realize how sexy she is. And you want to get her fired so it'll stop. Henry: I do not want to get her fired. I just want to see her neutered a little bit. That's all. Katie: Do you know how petty that sounds? Henry: You don't know what it's like, Katie! Katie: Thanks. Henry: No! Everywhere she goes, people stare at her -- at the diner, out in public. They look at her like they know her, in a biblical sense. Katie: You're doing all of this because of something that lasted less than five seconds on the air. Henry: That you can watch on ustube again and again and again. Yes, I have seen it. Katie: Why are you doing this to yourself? Henry: I'm not -- I'm not the only one here. Is it fun watching Brad and Vienna cavort on TV? Admit it. Watching her do your job is getting under your ever-expanding skin. I know you, too, you know? Katie: Okay! Yes, I can't wait for it to be over, either. Henry: Thank you. Katie: But this isn't right what you're doing to Vienna! What about when she finds out that you're Geneva Swift, that you're this woman that's been saying all of these horrible things about her and has apparently launched a statewide movement to get rid of her? Henry: Well, she's never going to find out about it. Katie: How do you know? Henry: Because you're not going to tell her, or Brad.
Katie: Henry, you can't ask me to be quiet about this. Brad: Oh, good! You're both here. Did you see the show?! Did you see it?! Did you see it?! Katie: I'm sure Henry feels like he lived it. Brad: Oh, well, listen -- be glad that you didn't. That old battle-ax -- she's a piece of work, isn't she? And the way she went after Vienna. Henry: How is Vienna? Is she okay? Brad: Yeah, yeah. She's -- she's fine. Me -- I mean, I just -- I just wanted to -- I wanted to deck Geneva Swift in the mouth. And I would have if she wasn't a woman. Henry: Well, thank goodness you're so chivalrous. Brad: Next time I won't be so chivalrous. Henry: What do you mean "next time"? Brad: Check this out. Check this out, okay? This is the best part. Kim thinks she's fantastic. Katie: She does? Brad: Wants to make her a regular part of the show. Katie: What?! Henry: You're kidding. Brad: I wish. Henry: Well, it looks like Ms. Geneva has connected with part of your audience. Brad: Whatever. I mean, Kim is delusional if she thinks this is gonna work. Henry: I don't know. Maybe this so-called interloper could give you a run for your money. Katie: Or maybe she'll be smart and turn Kim down. Brad: I doubt that. Henry: I guess Geneva won't be silenced until her message is heard.
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