Monday, June 25, 2001
Henrietta returns! Proving
that there’s nothing he wouldn’t do for Katie, Henry again dresses up as a
woman to help her out of a jam. This
time the deal is: a kiss for the
scuba gear.
Henry and Katie come walking back into camp after foraging
for food. Henry is complaining, as
usual. “Yep, nothing like a
ten-mile hike to whet the appetite. We've
got a spa diet without the spa. I
will trade you a bite of this yummy mango for some of those delicious
berries,” he offers Katie. “That
mango's totally rotten,”
complains Katie. “Fine. We'll mush the rotten mango in with the berries and make a
little fruit salad,” suggests Henry. “Not
with these berries,” says Katie. “Come
on! You drive me all over this
stupid island looking for those stupid berries.
The least you could do is share them with me. Did your mommy never teach you to share?” asks Henry.
“Oh, please. Would you relax? Fine,
if you want some of the berries, have at them.
I just wouldn't gorge myself if I were you,” warns Katie as she digs
through the recently returned trunk. “Gorge
myself on half a cup of berries?” asks Henry. 
“Actually, one or two is all you'll need,” says Katie.
“That's very generous of you,” says Henry.
Suddenly suspicious, he pauses before eating the berries and asks,
”What do you mean all I need?” “To
die a slow and agonizing death,” answers Katie.
“What?” asks Henry. “Okay,
you might not die, but you'll definitely pass out and wake up with a nasty
headache,” says Katie. “Poisonous
berries?! We've been looking all
morning for food we can't even eat?” complains Henry.
Ignoring him, Katie finds what she’s been looking for in the trunk –
lip gloss. “I thought Cooley
might have taken it,” she says, relieved.
“He doesn't strike me as a lip gloss kind of guy,” comments Henry.
“Well, he will definitely love it on me.
Here. Hold this.” She
hands him the lip gloss and begins to crush the berries into it.
“What? What are you doing?
Have you lost your mind?” 
wonders
Henry. “No, and I don't intend to
lose my virtue, either. See, I am
going to put some of this on, kiss that freak, and then, when he starts to get
woozy, you will jump out of the bushes and bop him on the head,” explains
Katie. “Poison lip gloss?” asks
Henry. “Mm-hmm.
A little dab'll do me. What
do you think?” asks Katie. “I
think a little dab will do you in,” answers Henry.
“I'll be careful,” says Katie. “First
you're talking to a coconut, and now -- now this?
Listen, toxic berry lip gloss is not an option, all right? And I am not bopping anybody on the head.
I already broke the poor guy's nose.
Not that it matters. There's
no mirrors on this stupid island. No
mirrors, there's no food, there's no gin – “ complains Henry.
“Well, if you don't have an alternate plan, then I'm going with the
knockout lips. We need to get our
scuba gear back to get that diamond, and I'm gonna get it back no matter what it
takes,” says the ever-determined Katie.
Henry is not happy with Katie’s latest plan, and tries to
talk her out of it. “I don't mean to be cruel, Katie,” he says.
“But maybe you should stay out of the sun.
I think you're a little light-headed from lack of protein.
At least I hope that's what the problem is, because what you're talking
is total nonsense -- dangerous nonsense that could get us both killed.”
“Cooley is basically harmless,” says Katie as she
stirs the lip gloss. “That's what
they said about Charlie Manson,” counters Henry. “Well, we have no choice.
It's either use this poisonous lip gloss and knock him out or just give
up all hope of ever finding the diamond. I'm
not gonna do that,” insists Katie. Henry
pulls her over to a log and sits her down.
“What are you doing?” she asks.
“We need to have a serious talk,” he says.
“We don't have time. He
will be back any minute,” says Katie, attempting to continue with the lip
gloss. “Later for that, all
right? We need a reality check
here,” says Henry. “Just admit
it, Henry. You're scared,” says
Katie. “Katie, Katie, all right,
I know I've been known to complain on occasion, but basically, most of all, I've
really enjoyed our little escapades. 
They've
been fun, because life with you is so -- it's so, so, so unpredictable.
But it is time to face facts. The
chances of you finding that diamond are one in a billion, that is, if you're not
cuisinart into shark chum by the coral reef and the current,” says Henry.
“Well, I'm definitely not gonna find it if we don't have the scuba
gear,” says Katie. “And this
little Lucrezia Borgia thing with the lip balm, the poison? Come on. If it
doesn't stop Cooley, it could make him very, very angry,” says Henry.
“Yeah,” agrees Katie reluctantly.
“Yeah. And another thing,
Simon is not coming to rescue you -- not now, not ever, because despite your
undying loyalty, he doesn't give a damn whether you're dead or alive,” says
Henry realistically.
Henry tries to get Katie to face the facts about her
marriage. “Sweetie, sweetie,
sweetie, it's been almost a month. Don't
you think Simon would have been here by now?
He probably doesn't even know you're gone.”
“What about the note I left him?” says Katie hopefully.
“Maybe he didn't read it or he balled it up and tossed
it in the trash,” says Henry. “Oh,
shut up. I am not listening to you.
He'll be here, all right? When
he gets here, I will have that diamond waiting for him. I can't wait to put it
in his hands and see how his face light up when he holds it,” says Katie
dreamily. “Like it does when he
looks at Lily?” says Henry cruelly. “I
am not listening to you anymore, Henry, until you promise to help me find that
scuba gear, all right?” She
covers her ears and begins to sing, “La, la, la, la, la, la, la.” “Hey, hey, hey. Listen,
listen,” says Henry as he pulls her hands away from her ears.
“The diamond is with Davey Jones 
now,
and I don't think he's giving it up, all right?”
“Isn't that the guy from The Monkees?” asks Katie, confused.
“Katie, listen, all we can hope for is that some boat or some plane
passes by and rescues us. In the meantime, forget about the diamond, all right?
And your degenerate dingo. Frasier
is a no-show, and nothing you do is gonna change that.
We have much more important things to worry about,” says Henry.
Katie asks, “Like what?!” and Henry answers, “Food, preferably
nonpoisonous, and shelter, preferably not underwater -- and public relations.
You know, if we leave Cooley alone, maybe he'll leave us alone,” says
Henry hopefully. “Yeah, right. Who's wishful thinking now?” says Katie realistically.
“I know you think I'm cynical, but I think – “ begins Henry.
“Oh, and shallow and selfish and mean,” interrupts Katie.
“All right, maybe I am all of those things,” agrees Henry.
“But we go way back, honey, and I truly, truly, truly don't want to see
you get hurt.” Henry seems very
sincere in his concern for her. “I
won't be, silly,” reassures Katie. “I
am totally at home in the water. I
will find the diamond like that,” she
says, snapping her fingers. “I'm
so concerned about you. Your eyes
are much bigger than your stomach,” says Henry.
“You're sounding like my mother again,” says Katie.
“Well, if she were here, I'm sure that she would tell you to give up
this dangerous and foolhardy plan. Hello?!”
says Henry, trying to get her attention. “You
know the problem with you, Henry? You've
never been in love,” observes Katie sadly.
“Come to think of it, I never have been in love,” answers
Henry, looking at Katie in a way that makes one believe he may in love with her!
“Never?” asks Katie. “It
always got in the way of business,” explains Henry, looking at the ground.
“Yeah, I know what you mean. You
know, until Simon, I didn't know what love was at all,” says Katie.
“What was that big, hot torch you carried for Holden?” Henry reminds 
her.
“Oh, that was so one-sided, first of all, and second of all, it was
like a power thing. Holden wasn't
just Holden. He was Holden ‘The
Station Manager’ Holden,” says Katie. “That
is so sad,” says Henry. “Well,
until Halloween. My whole life
changed,” says Katie. “Halloween?”
asks Henry. “Mm-hmm.
See, until then, I was exactly like you,” explains Katie.
“I was just wasting my youth chasing after some on-air dreams, trying
to steal jobs from Molly Conlans and husbands from Lily Snyders, but then, Simon
came along, and there was my prince. He
showed up in the back seat, and he put his arms around me, and when our bodies
became one – “ Henry
interrupts, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Please
spare me the details, all right? I
have a vivid enough
imagination as it is.” “Well,
not until then did I get clarity,” says Katie.
“Well, that's better than getting what they used to call a ‘social
disease,’ I suppose,” teases Henry, laughing.
“Clarity, Henry, about life. I
mean, what are we really here for, anyway?
What are we dong? What is
worth risking everything for? What
is worth going to the dark side of the moon for?” wonders Katie
philosophically. Henry opens his mouth to answer and Katie stops him, saying,
“And don't say a dry martini.” “Then
I give up,” he says. “Love.
I'm just doing this for love,” proclaims Katie simply.
“So that's why we're here. You
know something, Katie?” says Henry. “What?”
asks Katie. “Before, when I said
you were sunstroked, I was wrong. You
are completely and utterly unhinged. What
you're planning to do with the abominable sandman does not fall 
under
the heading of ‘doing anything for love.’
The man is dangerous!” warns Henry.
“You're just worried about saving your own skin,” says Katie. “Yeah, right. I
want to keep my skin in one piece, and I would hate to see yours covered with
muddy paw prints. That is why I'm
gonna go find Cooley and tell him the deal's off.
I can't let you do this,” says Henry nobly.
“No if you really want to help me, you will stand up and fight instead
of just putting me down all the time,” says Katie. “What are you impugning my manhood?” asks Henry,
offended. “Let me let you in on a
little secret, Uncle Henry -- everybody impugns your manhood,” answers Katie.
“What, and now, so all of a sudden, I'm supposed to prove myself?
Right. That's ridiculous. Okay, okay. All
right. What do you want me to do? And
no more bopping on the head, 'cause contrary to public opinion, I do not think
that violence makes a man,” says Henry. “No.
You are absolutely right it doesn't -- and neither do the clothes.
You know, what people wear is just -- is just a fantasy, an illusion, a
cultural sign,” says Katie. “What?
What? What are you
suggesting?” ask Henry when he sees that look in her eyes.
“You wear the poisonous lip gloss, and I'll slam him on the head,”
suggests Katie as she pulls a bathing suit out of the trunk and holds it out to
him. “Not again,” says Henry,
remembering the last time he dressed as a woman for her.
“Henry – “ says Katie. “No
way!” says Henry forcefully. “Henry
– “ “Ah!” protests Henry. “Henrietta!”
insists Katie.
Henry is wearing Katie’s bathing suit and adjusting
his… ummm… coconuts.
“How do I look?” he asks. “Good. Your pantyhose are sagging,” says Katie helpfully.
“Well, how am I
supposed to know that without so much as a mirror on this island?” complains
Henry. Katie begins to help him and
he pushes her away, saying, “Don't look!
If you want me to keep doing these things for you, you need to buy these
things in queen-size. Oh! I ripped
them. To hell with it,” he says,
throwing them away in frustration, something every woman can relate to!
“Okay. Relax.
Don't worry. You look
fine,” Katie reassures him. “You're
frowning, my pet,” says Henry. “Well,
you need a little color in your cheeks. Here. Sit down,” she says, pinching his cheeks to make them red.
“Ow! Ow!” protests
Henry. “It's not easy, is it?
Okay,” says Katie, adding some more berries to the lip gloss.
“Wait! Hey, stop.
What, are you crazy? Come
on,” says Henry. “No, I am not
crazy. A couple more won't hurt.
And don't say things like that. It's
not very nice, Henrietta. Okay, now
pucker up,” says Katie. Henry
purses his lips and turns his head away. “Don't
be such a baby. These things aren't
gonna kill you. Well, just don't
lick your lips or get it in your mouth, all right?
Now, go like this, hurry, before your boyfriend gets here.
Pucker up, now!” orders Katie. “Okay,”
agrees Henry reluctantly as he puckers up.
Katie
begins to
apply the poisonous lip gloss. “I'm
never gonna pull this off,” worries Henry.
“Well, we're not if you keep talking funny like that.
I wish we had a wig, and it would have been better if you had shaved,”
adds Katie. “Just stick a bag on
my face, why don't you?” says Henry, beginning to feel hurt.
“Ooh, I have a better idea,” says Katie. She gets her hat out of the trunk and puts it on Henry,
covering his face with the veil. “Yes,
yes, yes. Here we go.
Oh, much better,” she says, satisfied with her creation.
“It's 500-degrees in here,” complains Henry, lifting the veil.
Suddenly they hear Cooley approaching, calling out “Ka-ka-ka-Katie
Katie!” “Just sit there.
I will be behind that bush. As
soon as he starts to get woozy, I'll hit him on the head with a rock,” says
Katie. “How long does it take for
the drugs to work?” asks Henry frantically.
“Shh! Not long,” says
Katie as she goes to hide. “It's
easy for you to say,” says Henry. “Oh,
would you cross your legs, Henrietta? That
looks disgusting,” adds Katie. Henrietta
crosses her legs and adjusts her sarong, asking, “Where did you get this
dress? I look like a cheap
floozy.” “That's what I like,
baby,” says Cooley as he walks into the clearing.
Henrietta laughs nervously and 
pulls
the veil over her face. “Wow,” exclaims Cooley as he sees her. “I borrowed your boyfriend's bush drag, and it looks a lot
better on me, don't you think?” he asks, modeling Henry’s clothes.
“Yeah, well, where is your buddy, light in his loafers, isn't he?”
Henrietta doesn’t answer, she just motions him over and pats the log
next to her. “Oh, you've got a
hot seat for Cooley. Well, look out
mama, 'cause here I come,” he says.
“Well, now, see, I cleaned up real good, huh?
I even gargled just for you,” says Cooley proudly.
“Yes,” murmurs Henrietta from behind her veil.
“Well, come on now. Aren't
ya' gonna tell me I look nice?” asks Cooley.
Henrietta doesn’t answer. “You
don't wanna talk, huh? Well, that's
okay with Cooley. I mean, the last
broad on this island was a real looker, but, I mean, she never shut up, and by
the time she did, I was out of the mood,” complains Cooley.
He starts to tickle Henrietta and she giggles demurely.
“Oh, I never remembered you being so well-endowed.
Let me give you a hand,” says Cooley as he reaches for Henrietta.
She pulls away and he says, “Aw, you're modest?
Oh, well, now that's okay with Cooley.
I'll slow down.” He puts
his hand on Henrietta’s leg and comments,
“Darling, it looks like you forgot to shave your little legs.
Well that's okay, too, you know, 'cause I know I had the razor and all
that. I tell you what.
How about a little kiss, hmm?” he asks.
Henrietta shakes her head and turns away.
“No? Just one?
Just one little kiss? Oh,
now, come on. Come on.
Now, let me lift that veil and give you a little smooch,” he says,
tickling her. “Oh, come on, let's
have some fun. Come on.
Come on. Come on.”
Henrietta begins to laugh uncontrollably and turns back into Henry.
“Oh, no. Cut it out,” he says, laughing.
Cooley notices the change in his voice and pulls off the hat.
“What the hell? You!
You think this is funny?” says Cooley angrily.
“No,” says Henry, afraid. “I'm
gonna kill you!” threatens Cooley as he grabs Henry’s throat.
The two struggle, and Henry grabs Cooley’s face and kisses him, the
last thing Cooley expects! They
fall to the ground, still struggling and locked at the lips, while Katie
watches, smiling because her plan appears to have worked.
Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and
written by Marie Masters.
Previous Recap
Back to 2001 Recaps Page
Next Recap
