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Thursday, June 25, 2009 Geneva Swift makes another appearance on "Oakdale Now." The plan is for Vienna to demonstrate pole dancing, but when she's injured in rehearsal, Geneva takes over for her. And it turns out she has a lot of fans. Kim asks her to fill in for Vienna as co-host.
Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by Gordon Rayfield.
Transcripts from TVMegasite [ Henry sighs ] Henry: I think this makes me look hippy. [ Footsteps ] Hey, aren't you gonna be late for the studio? Vienna: I know what time it is. Henry: Why are you still here? Vienna: Why are you rushing me? Henry: Mm, what's wrong, sweetie? Vienna: I'm not ready. I need more practice. Henry: Practice for what? Vienna: For today's show. I'm supposed to do a pole dance. Henry: Pole dance? Vienna: Yes. Kim thinks that it will get the sparks flying between me and Geneva Swift. [ Henry chuckles ] Henry: I'm -- I'm sure you misunderstood. She probably wants you to have a discussion on pole dancing but not actually demonstrate it. Vienna: No. All I can tell you is that they were setting up a pole on stage four last night. Henry: No, no, no, no, no. They -- they can't do that, not on -- not on daytime TV. Vienna: It's just dancing. Henry: No, it's not just dancing. It's -- it's lewd, licentious, lascivious dancing. Vienna: Oh, my god! You sound just like her. Henry: Like who? Vienna: Geneva Swift!
Henry: How? How could you compare me to Geneva Swift? Vienna: I'm sorry. Now will you please help me? Henry: What? With the pole dancing? Vienna: Well, unless you want me to fall flat on my butt on live TV. Henry: What do you want me to do? Vienna: Be a pole. Henry: Excuse me? Vienna: A pole dance requires a pole. And for some reason, the Lakeview doesn't provide a pole. So I need you to be a pole. Henry: I don't speak polish. [ Vienna laughs ] Vienna: Funny. Stand as straight as you can, and don't move. Henry: Okay. Vienna: Now, how's that? Henry: There's, uh, just one problem. Vienna: What? Henry: You're doing all the work. Vienna: What do you mean? Henry: I mean poles have feelings, too. Solidarity forever. [ Vienna laughs ] Vienna: No. No, no, no, no, no. I can't. I got to go to work! Henry: Vienna, Vienna -- Vienna: Okay, promise later. Love you! [ Henry sighs ] Henry: This ends now!
Katie: Oh, my god. Oh, my god! Why are you here like that?! What if Brad saw you? Henry: I waited until he left. Katie: You were watching the house? Henry: This is an emergency. I need you. Katie: What's wrong? Henry: I have to be at the studio like right now, and I cannot get my breasts straight. Katie: That has to be the weirdest thing any man's ever said to me. Henry: Are you gonna help me or not? Katie: With your breasts? Henry: And I've got a stuck zipper on the back, too. Katie: Let's start with that. Henry: All right. [ Zipper creaks ] Mm, god. Katie: Stop moving! Henry: I do not know how women dress themselves alone. I don't know how they do it. Katie: Well, a stuck zipper is the least of your problems. I really think you need to rethink this. Henry: Oh, god. I knew it. I knew it! This dress makes me look hippy, doesn't it?! Katie: I mean this whole charade! You cannot let them make you a regular on "Oakdale Now"! Henry: Well, it's too late for that. I signed a contract. Katie: Why? Henry: Well, Kim insisted. She wanted to lock Geneva into "Oakdale Now," so how could I refuse? Katie: You signed a contract as Geneva Swift? Henry: Of course. Katie: It can't be binding! She doesn't exist! Henry: Yeah, Katie, she does. She's right here. Katie: Oh, please. What are you gonna do if you get caught? Henry: I'm not gonna get caught. I'm just gonna keep this up until Geneva accomplishes her mission, and then she'll disappear. Katie: What mission? Henry: Getting Vienna to stop making a sexual spectacle of herself on TV. Katie: This is not fair to her. Henry: It's not fair? Really? Do you know what she's doing today? A pole dance. Katie: Why? Henry: Why do you think? To get a rise out of Brad and to provoke Geneva. Katie: No wonder Brad didn't want to go to work today. Henry: Good for him. Good for him. He doesn't like this salacious act any more than we do. Katie: I still don't see how you becoming a drag queen stops this. Henry: I didn't do it on purpose! It just happened! Katie: Well, what if you "happened" to make a mistake, and everybody finds out, and Brad wonders why I didn't tell him that you're making a fool out of everyone? Henry: He'll never know that you knew. I -- I'm the only one that knows, and I'll never tell him. We girls have to stick together. How do I look? Aah! Katie: Fine. Henry: Not too hippy? Katie: Would you just get out of here? And be careful, please! Henry: I will. Thank you. Katie: Sure. What are best girlfriends for?
[ Fan gasps ] Fan 1: Geneva Swift! It's you! Henry: You know me? Fan 2: Of course we know you. We love you! Henry: Thank you, ladies. Geneva loves you, too. [ Fan 2 laughs ] Fan 1: Are you on the show today? We watch every day that you're on. Henry: Actually, I'm on my way right now, off to fight for decency, truth, and the American way. Toodle-oo! [ Both laughing ]
Henry: Ooh. I'm sorry I'm late. Kim: Oh, thank heavens you're here. Okay, look, we've had a few changes in our plans for today's show. Henry: Why? Kim: Well, I'll explain that later. We just need you to play a slightly different role today. Henry: Oh, whatever you need. Kim: Wonderful! Uh, what do you know about pole dancing?
Henry: Pole dancing? Brad: I'm not watching her do that. Henry: I don't understand. Where's ms. Hyatt? Kim: Uh, she had to leave, and I will explain. But right now, I really want you to hurry up and get ready, all right? Henry: I don't know why you think I'd even consider it. I -- I'm here to do commentary, not be some sexual gymnast. Brad: Don't worry. No one is ever gonna think that. Kim: Listen to me. You've got to read your contract. You agreed to do whatever the producers requested. Henry: Well, not that! Brad: Yeah, Kim. Kim: We have no more time to argue. I want the two of you up here. I want you to be natural, be yourselves, and you'll both be just fine. Brad: And if we're not? Kim: Then you're fired. Places, please. Brad: Trust me, sweetheart, i don't like this any more than you do. Henry: Don't call me "sweetheart." Kim: And 5, 4, 3, 2 -- Brad: Good morning. Hi, I'm Brad Snyder. Welcome to "Oakdale Now." Today's segment is about a craze that's sweeping the nation -- pole dancing. And here to demonstrate is our one and only Geneva Swift. Henry: I know many of you out there are watching and thinking to yourself, "well, what's our little Geneva up to now?" Pole dancing started in strip clubs, which is our nation's fault for not shutting them down. But pole dancing is very good cardiovascular exercise. It works every muscle in the body, and it helps you keep toned and fit without any special equipment. All you need is a pole -- [ Brad chuckles ] Henry: Don't you dare sexualize this! Brad: With you doing it, not a chance. All right, baby! Shake that thing! Henry: Call me "babe" one more time, I'll kick your teeth in.
Henry: As you can see, there is nothing at all sexual about this. Brad: Not when you're doing it. Henry: And it's a great workout for the abs and the quads and the ham -- ooh. Brad: Is -- that must be with the butt. Henry: I know you're not much of a gentleman, but do you think you could help me up? Brad: [ Groans ] You're a lot of woman. Hey, can you show us how that ab-strengthening exercise again? I -- I really liked that. That was good. Henry: Oh, I don't know. A man of your intellect probably knows how to do it. Why don't you give it a try? Brad: You want -- you want me -- you want me to pole dance? Henry: Well, you're not some kind of sexist are you? Brad: No, no, no. Henry: Is this too hard for you? Brad: No, hey, I'm an athlete. Henry: Oh, then it should be a piece of cake! Brad: Okay. All right. Okay. All right. Watch -- watch and learn. Brad: Oh! [ Henry laughs ] Henry: Make that "ex-athlete." [ Brad groans ] Kim: This is going so much better than I ever dreamed.
Henry: And this will get rid of all the pain in your lower extremities. Brad: Yeah, maybe pull my leg out of its socket. Henry: Oh, don't be such a baby! Brad: And that's a wrap for "Oakdale Now" today. This is Brad "the pretzel" Snyder. Henry: And the one and only Geneva Swift. Brad: That's so long until next time. Kim: And -- we're out! Henry: Whoo-hoo! Brad: What are you trying to do?! You trying to put me in traction? Henry: Do you always whine this much? Kim: You guys were so terrific! Brad: Are you -- are you kidding?! I mean, that was a disaster! That was a complete disaster! I mean, I -- she made me look like an idiot. Henry: Oh, you got that covered all by yourself. [ Kim gasps ] Kim: Listen, you really -- Brad: Oh, look, Kim. My fans got through security again. Kim: Oh. Both: Geneva! Geneva! Fan 1: You are so wonderful. Fan 2: Oh, the show is so awesome when you are on. Would you mind posing for a picture? Henry: Oh, how can I say no. Kim: I'm gonna go to the hospital and check on Vienna. Brad: Yeah. I'm gonna go with you. This is the last place I want to be right now. Floyd: I just want to thank you, ms Swift. You are the best thing that's happened to "Oakdale Now" in a long, long time. Henry: Oh, thank you, sir. I thought it was a wonderful show until it got dragged down by sleaze. And you're absolutely right! This show was about to jump the shark until I got on board! Floyd: I never met a woman like you before. Henry: No, no. I don't think that you have. [ Floyd laughs ] Floyd: Uh -- do you mind having a picture taken together? Henry: Of course not.
Henry: Well, if you'll excuse me, Ms. Geneva Swift needs to check her messages. I wouldn't want to miss that call from Hollywood. Fan 1: Ooh! Henry: Oh, six messages. Katie: Henry, it's me. Vienna's in the hospital. Call me right away. Henry: [ Normal voice ] Oh, my god. [ Woman's voice ] Oh, lordy! The quilting bee's been rescheduled. I've got to go. Toodle-oo!
Vienna: What are you doing here? Henry: I heard the awful news. Vienna: From who? Henry: From the crew. Dear, are you all right? Vienna: I'm fine. Henry: Oh, thank god! Vienna: That was very thoughtful of you to come here. Henry: Well, we may have our differences, but we're still colleagues! Kim: Uh, you didn't happen to see Vienna's boyfriend downstairs anywhere, did you? Henry: No, can't say that I did. Well, now, you get better just as fast as you can, and I'll see you real soon. Okay, I got to go. Kim: I'll be back. Uh, Geneva? I just wanted to tell you what a good job you did on today's show. Henry: Oh, you're too kind. Kim: Unfortunately, you know, Vienna's not gonna be able to do the show for a while. Henry: How unfortunate. Kim: Well, yes, it is. I just suddenly wondered how you would feel about being her replacement. Henry: You mean? Kim: Well, Brad's cohost. Henry: Well, how will he feel about that? Kim: Well, he certainly knows you two have great chemistry. Would also be a shot in the arm for the show, which we all want. Henry: Well, if you're sure. Kim: Oh, I'm positive. I've been in this business a long time. I know star power when I see it. Henry: That -- that's very flattering. Kim: Good. We'll see you tomorrow then.
[ Cell phone rings ] Katie: Would you get me a cup of tea while I take this call, please? Brad: Yeah, yeah. Katie: Where the hell are you?! Henry: Home. Listen, you are never going to believe to this, but Kim wants me to replace Vienna until she's back up on her feet. Katie: You? The co-hosts are supposed to be a man and a woman. Henry: No, no, no, no. Not Henry. Geneva. She -- she thinks I'd be a good female counterpoint to Brad. Katie: But you're not a female. I hope you said no. Henry: I said yes. Katie: This is insane! Henry: Listen, sweetheart, don't worry about it, okay? As soon as you're up and running, the chair will be right there for you. Katie: That is not what I'm worried about. Henry: Well, if it's about the show, I can do it. Katie: I'm worried about you, Henry. Henry: Sorry, honey. I got to go.
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