Tuesday, June 26, 2001
Henrietta and Katie’s plan worked!
They tortured Cooley until he told them where to find the scuba gear.
Katie wasted no time diving for the diamond, and was successful on her
first try!
Cooley has just discovered that Henrietta is really Henry.
“What the hell?! You! You think this is funny?” he asks angrily.
“No,” responds Henry. “I'm
gonna kill you for this!” yells Cooley as he grabs Henry’s throat.
Choking, Henry does the only thing he can think of – he grabs Cooley
and kisses him with poisonous lips. They
fall to the ground, struggling. Katie
comes out from her hiding place and cheers Henry on.
“Hold him down, Henry! Just
keep kissin' him until -- that druggy lipstick will work! Just keep kissing him! Keep
kissing him! That druggy lipstick
will make it work. Please, please,
just work,” she pleads. Finally
Cooley begins to weaken and collapses on the ground. Katie helps him out by hitting him on the head with a rock.
Henry sits up, gasping for breath, and cries out, “I've never been so
disgusted in my entire life!” “I
am so proud of you, I would kiss you, but -- well, you know.
Just hold on!” says
Katie encouragingly. “Ahh!”
cries Henry, spitting and wiping his mouth.
“Here, here, here! Just
wipe off the lips with this! And
remember, don't swallow!” says Katie, handing him a dish of water. After thoroughly washing off his mouth, Henry tells Katie,
“You so owe me, Peretti!” “I
know, I know. Now just get that off
and let's go on to part two,” says Katie excitedly as she runs off. “Peretti!” Henry calls and chases after her.
Henry is now dressed in his regular island outfit
with the scarf around his head, and Katie is poking and prodding at Cooley with
a stick. “Hey, this is the last
time that I let you suck me into one of your idiotic schemes.
Because of you I have been broke, I have been unemployed and now I have
been sexually assaulted by the missing link!” complains Henry.
“You can whine later, honey. We've
got work to do. Okay, we need to
find that scuba gear – “ says Katie. “No,
no, no, enough,” says Henry. “Shh!
You don't want to wake him up!” says
Katie, referring to the knocked out Cooley.
“Good! I hope.
When he comes out of his stupor and starts to tear us apart like the
rabid dog that he is, Katie, you will get it through that blonde air bag that
sits on your neck that this man is dangerous!” warns Henry.
“Shh!” repeats Katie. “Now
forget about the scuba gear, forget about the diamond, your little coconut,
Simon. We're going to load up all
of Cooley's gear that we can carry, we're going to go to the other side of the
island and hide out till he wakes up and makes hamburger out of us, all right?!
Come on, let's go!” says Henry. “No.
We are not going anywhere, because now we have the upper hand,” says
Katie. “Upper hand?! Katie,
us, Bambi, him, Bigfoot!” says Henry simply.
“But we're conscious, he, not,” counters Katie.
“No. No, no, no.
No, no, no, no, no. No, no,
this is hell! This is purgatory! 
That's
what it is! That's the only
reasonable explanation, yeah!” says Henry, sitting down.
“Okay, I need you to start digging a hole, a very deep hole.
Where is it? He would not
have taken that,” says Katie as she digs through the trunk.
“Don't tell me you packed a backhoe!” says Henry.
“Ahh, here. Aren't you
glad I think ahead?” asks Katie as she pulls out a child’s plastic shovel
and pail. Henry grabs them out of
her hand at looks at her incredulously.
Katie and Henry buried Cooley up to his neck in the
sand while he was unconscious, and he begins to wake up.
He sees Henry and Katie sitting there and asks, “Which one did I
kiss?” “The pretty one,” answers Henry pleasantly, smiling at
him. “Ah, God,” exclaims
Cooley. “All right, Mr. Cooley.
You're not going anywhere until you tell us where our scuba gear is
hidden,” says Katie. 
“Ha!
You can keep me buried till the tide comes in, I'm tellin' you nothin'.
You didn't keep our agreement,” says Cooley uncooperatively.
“You wanted me to forsake my marriage vows.
It was a shameful proposition,” says Katie as she pulls on some long
rubber gloves. “If I had gone through with that, you wouldn't respect me
now. So we're going to negotiate my
way, all right?” she says as pulls out a matchbox. “This matchbox is filled with fire ants.
The kind that eat the flesh. So
if you don't want me to dump these on your head, you'll start talking,”
threatens Katie. “You know what those critters do? Huh. A nice girl
like you couldn't stand the sight,” predicts Cooley.
“Maybe not, but I'll just turn my head.
Henry, why don't you just get that sea water, just in case.
We'll keep it by,” orders Katie. Henry
jumps up to get the bucket of water. “I
have a feeling that Mr. Cooley here is going to change his mind when these ants
start chomping at his scalp. We can
probably save him from dying or at least being completely deformed,” adds
Katie. “You're bluffing,”
guesses Cooley. “Do you know how
much I love my husband?” asks Katie. “Cooley,
this is a woman who crashed a plane, who talks to a coconut for hours a day and 
who
made me wear a sarong for purposes that will haunt my nightmares for years to
come,” explains Henry. “So,
tell us where the scuba gear is, all right?” demands Katie.
Cooley doesn’t fall for it. “Do
your worst,” he says. “All
right,” agrees Katie as she slowly empties the contents of the matchbox on
Cooley's head. Finally Cooley
breaks down, screaming, “No! No,
no! Get 'em off! Oh -- get 'em off! Oh!”
“All right, tell me where the scuba gear is,” insists Katie.
“It's -- it's buried under the mango tree at the top of the hill!
Oh, God, they're on my neck!” screams Cooley.
“All right, you go get that scuba gear before this man is eaten
alive!” Katie tells Henry. He
goes off to find them as Cooley continues to beg, “Oh, please get them off!”
“Oh, Simon, baby, I'm on the job.
Your Katie is gonna bring home your diamond just like she told you she
would,” promises Katie. “Get
them off -- please!” pleads Cooley.
Henry comes back carrying the scuba gear.
“No way, you did it! We
did it! I'm gonna go get my
diamond! Thank you, thank you,
thank you,” exclaims Katie happily as she begins to put on the gear. “Hey -- listen, didn't that
Aussie husband of hers tell her what happened to his nutty sister?
I mean, she got caught in those killer tides and thud, she went to the
bottom like a 100-pound rock. Ain't
no way that skinny little thing is gonna survive.
You've gotta talk her out of it,” says Cooley. “Hey, pal. I
was a member of the all-state swimming team my senior year of high school. I
could have gone to the Olympics,” says Katie proudly.
“Yeah, right,” says Henry, laughing.
“I could have, if I wouldn't have greased the board before it was Susie
Mitchell's turn to dive,” says the scheming Katie.
“Yeah, well, listen -- let me -- would you do me a favor?
Would you ask hot lips here to let me out of this trap just in case you
don't make it back?” asks Cooley. “Watch
me,” laughs Katie as she puts on her goggles.
“See you boys later,” she calls as she runs off to dive for the
diamond.
Cooley is still buried in the sand and Henry is
gazing off into the horizon, trying to keep an eye on Katie as she dives for the
diamond. “Tell me what's going
on. Can you still see her?” asks
Cooley worriedly. “Yeah, yeah,
yeah. She's right out -- that's not
it. You know, this doesn't look
very -- there she is! There she
is,” says Henry excitedly. “How
far out is she?” asks Cooley. 
“She's
not very far out at all. I think
she's -- yeah, she's coming back in. I think she's given up,” says Henry hopefully.
He should know better! “Come
on, Katie. Come on, Katie!” he cheers.
“Come on, girl!” calls Cooley. They
continue to cheer her on until she drags herself up on the beach.
Henry helps her up calling, “That's it!
That's it. Come here.
Come here.” He kisses her
head and hugs her to his chest gratefully, saying, “I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, baby. Hey, but at least you tried, huh? At least you tried.” “Tried?
I'll show you my best try,” says Katie as she pulls out the diamond.
“Ta-dah! Simon, baby, you
are mine. You are all mine!” she
says as she kisses the diamond.
Today’s episode was directed by Charles Dyer and
written by Susan Dansby.
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