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Friday, July 2, 2010

Henry has a case of cold feet before his wedding to Vienna.  He convinces best man Paul to let him have a drink (or three).  It gives Henry the courage to show up at the wedding, but part of him wishes that Barbara would show up to stop the wedding.  What he doesn't know is that Barbara has been kidnapped by someone!

Todayís episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by Penelope Koechl.


Transcripts from TVMegasite

[ missing transcript, best man Paul shows up and asks Henry about his feelings for Barbara ]

Henry: Speaking of walking, her legs are so -- but her voice -- she's got a beautiful voice.

Paul: Henry, Henry --

Henry: Big, brown eyes. And let me say on a personal note that she is the most unabashed, uninhibited, passionate lover --

Paul: Henry!

Henry: What, what?

Paul: I didn't ask for a sonnet. If you do have feelings for my mother, then maybe you should reconsider walking down the aisle and committing the rest of your life to someone else.

Henry: You want to know the truth? Uh, the truth, Paul, is that -- I need a drink, a big one.


Henry: Just one drink.

Paul: Okay, Henry, look, I -- I'm the best man.

Henry: Right.

Paul: Which means so it's my job to make sure that you don't do anything that you will regret, including showing up to the church completely blitzed.

Henry: I can handle my alcohol.

Paul: Or marrying the wrong woman. Look, if you have feelings for my mom, then maybe you should take a step back and -- and really think about what it is that you're doing.

Henry: I have thought about it, Paul! I've agonized about it. Some things just weren't meant to be. And if you have to let those things go, even though it kills you deep inside, you just have to let them go.

Paul: Oh, dear God above, you're in love with my mother.

Henry: One drink. Just one.


Paul: Henry, your vows don't count if you slur your words.


Henry: Just one.

Paul: Well, that's a double, so technically it's two.

Henry: Okay. Two, then.

Paul: Henry, hey. You're the groom. You're the guy who can't show up plastered.

Henry: Every groom has one or two or three or four before they say "I do." It steadies the nerves, Paul. I'm sure that you had a little nip before you married Emily.

Paul: No, I didnít.

Henry: Not one little eensie, teensie, weenie --

Paul: No. Marrying Emily was a really happy day for me, and I wanted to be completely present.

Henry: Okay. What about all your other marriages? Didn't you ever drink before them?

Paul: Well, yeah, but look how they turned out.

Henry: I will try to be -- I will be present, okay, for the next 60 years or so. 60 years. Oh, my God. That's the rest of my life.

Paul: Henry, hey. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Listen. Now, I'm serious, and -- and I'm not judging you. But if you really do love my mother --

Henry: I do. I do. Eeh.

Paul: Well, then, you can't marry Vienna. If you're conflicted about it at all, you can't go through with this.

Henry: She's carrying my baby.

Paul: I understand.

Henry: And I shouldn't have slept with her -- Vienna, I mean, because I knew that I was still in love with Barbara. But I did, and now she's pregnant.

Paul: Well, you're not the first guy to make that mistake, and it doesn't mean that you have to pay for it for the rest of your life. You can honor the -- the commitment that you've made to Vienna and -- and share the child that you've conceived together and still be in love with another woman. I can't believe I'm saying this.

Henry: Vienna is not just another woman, and this is not just any child, okay? We did love each other once, very, very, very much.

Paul: I know.

Henry: And we got pregnant, and we lost the child.

Paul: I understand.

Henry: Just imagine, okay, how much you love Eliza, and just imagine all the hopes and dreams that you had for her when Meg was pregnant with her, and just imagine her just being ripped away from you, just like that.

Paul: Henry, I don't need to imagine something like that. I -- I have lost a child. And I know that it's very difficult for a couple to get over something like that.

Henry: That's just it! Vienna and I -- we didn't get over it. It broke us, Paul. This baby is a gift, and I've got to stand by Vienna, all right, no matter what because of all her suffering. I owe her that.

Paul: What about you, what you owe to yourself?

Henry: I'm done. I've made up my mind, Paul. This -- this is it. I'm done. I'm not going back, okay?

Paul: Okay. All right. Well, then, as the best man, the least I can do is try and get you to the church on time, or at least the diner on time. Bartender, hi. Do you think we can get him a cup of coffee, please?

Henry: Thank you, Paul. You're the best man a guy could have.

Paul: I'm just doing my job.

Henry: So am I.


Henry: Hello. Hello, and thank you. Thank you, my friends, uh, for joining me and my beloved on this -- this wonderful and joyous occasion.

Chris: How you doing, Henry?

Henry: I'm doing great. Dandy. Champagne.

Paul: He's a little nervous.

Chris: He's wasted.

Paul: Yeah. I pumped him up full of black coffee at the Lakeview. Maybe it'll kick in soon.

Bob: Not if he has any more alcohol.

Kim: I, um, hate to ask this question, but is the reason he's so upset your mother?

Paul: Yeah.

Kim: Oh, Dear.

Paul: I'm surprised Emily's not here yet.

Bob: Well, she was on her way, but she had to go home and change.

Paul: Why?

Kim: Uh, an issue with her dress.

Paul: What kind of an issue?

Kim: It was torn.

Bob: Barbara and Emily had a disagreement, and it got physical.

Henry: Barbara, to you.

Paul: You know what? I -- I think I'm gonna hold on to this.

Henry: No, no, no, no, no. I -- I'll be fine.

Paul: Henry, hold on. Look, if -- if you don't want to go through with this, then call it off. No one will think the worse of you.

Henry: I'll think the worse of myself. Just, uh --

Paul: Then man up.

Josiah: Greetings, earth groom.

Henry: Do I know you?

Josiah: I should hope so. I'm presiding over your marriage today.

Henry: Maybe I should lay off the booze.

Paul: Maybe I should start. Nice ears.

Josiah: It's me, Henry, Josiah.

Henry: Josiah! [Laughs] Josiah. Yes, Josiah. Of course, yes. I'm sorry I didn't recognize you. I, uh -- I wouldn't recognize you. We never met before. Josiah, this is -- this is my, uh, half-brother, Paul. Uh, Josiah and I both got our certificates to marry people over the internet.

Josiah: I'll be performing the ceremony today, uniting and blessing the happy couple.

[Henry laughs]

Paul: Great. And, uh --

Josiah: Uh, I was at a convention earlier. There is another one this evening, and these ears are a pain to get off and on. The glue takes forever. So I was wondering if -- if you don't mind, I'd like to keep them on for the ceremony.

Henry: Married by a Vulcan. That's just far out.

Paul: Really, really far out. Are you sure you're legally licensed to, uh, perform a marriage?

Josiah: I did 12 weddings last month in this galaxy alone. Joke!

Paul: Oh, right.

Bob: Maybe Henry's right. The only way to get through this is to drink.

Josiah: So, be honest. Are -- are you cool with the ears?

Henry: Josiah, with enough champagne, I am cool with anything, okay? Thank you.


Henry: Man, the French really knew what they were doing when they invented Charlemagne champagne. Josiah, do the Vulcanís marry for love?

Josiah: Everyone marries for love, Henry.

Henry: No, that's not true. The Vulcanís have pon farr. But I think the whole romantic love thing -- that's just a western invention, and it's a really recent one at that. I mean, there's a lot of other countries. There's India, for example. India -- there, they still have arranged marriages. The bridge and the groom -- they don't even meet each other till the wedding night. But then they -- they grow to learn about one another and then finally to love one another.

Josiah: Got to wonder how much passion can really be there.

Henry: Passion's overrated. You're right. It's not.

Bob: At this rate, uh, Henry's not gonna be able to stand up for the ceremony.

Paul: Can you keep an eye on him, keep him away from the champagne? I got to step out for a little bit.


Josiah: So you love this woman, Barbara, but you're still going to marry Vienna?

Henry: No. I love -- I love Vienna, too. I -- I love -- wait till you see her. What's not to love? We were head over heels for each other, and then -- and then we lost the baby, and then it pulled us apart. And then she left, and I was crushed.

Josiah: Which is when Barbara came in the picture?

Henry: Yes. We had this very intense thing, Barbara and I. Then we broke up, too. And then she wanted to reconnect, and we did reconnect. And then Vienna just came right back into town, right out of the blue, wanted to get back together with me. I didn't want to be pulled into that whole thing, but there's some wonderful things about Vienna, too, that you can really love. And then, before you know it, look out. Boom -- baby on board.

Josiah: That's one time-space conundrum.

Henry: Kobayashi maru is what that -- Vienna.

Vienna: Henry --

Henry: What are you doing here? You -- you said you didn't want to see me before the ceremony. You said that was bad luck.

Vienna: No. This couldn't wait. I have something very important to tell you.


Henry: What is it, my angel?

Vienna: Are you all right, Henry?

Henry: Yes, I'm fine.

Vienna: You seem a little unsteady on your feet.

Henry: Yeah. I -- I had a glass of Charlemagne. It went right to my head. I -- I'm fine. You look beautiful. You look -- [Gasps] Look. You're showing. You're showing. And all at once, just like you said you would.

Vienna: I don't even know where to begin, Henry.

Emily: What's going on?

Paul: Beats me.

Henry: What is it? Are you all right?

Vienna: All right? I've never been better! That -- that's what I came here to tell you. I wanted to tell you.

Henry: You -- you wanted to tell me that you risked bad luck just to come here and tell me that?

Vienna: No, no, no. I don't believe in luck, bad or otherwise.

Henry: You did last night.

Vienna: No. I believe that we all create our own destinies, and my destiny is -- is today I'm gonna marry you and become Mrs. Henry Coleman once and for all and forever.


Henry: Did, uh, something happen to you this morning, Vienna, something to upset you?

Vienna: No. Why would you think that?

Henry: You just -- you seem very intense. That's all.

Vienna: I've always been intense about you, Henry.

Henry: You seem really anxious. Uh, it's a pity that you can't have any champagne, because it really takes the edge off the nerves.

Vienna: I'm not nervous at all.

Henry: Really? 'Cause you seem -- you know, you seem a little concerned about doing this on the spur of the moment. Would you rather do this in a bigger place? Would you rather do it in a church? I mean, if you'd like to postpone this --

Vienna: No. Listen to me, Henry. Listen to me good. I've never been more sure about anything in my entire life. I want to marry you now -- right now.

Paul: They'd better get a move on before my mother shows up.

Emily: She wonít. Woman's intuition.

Bob: Okay, Henry. There you go.

Chris: Dad, what's the, uh, status report?

Bob: Everything's moving forward as planned.

Katie: Excuse me. Thank you, Ladies, for filling in.

Vienna: I told them you had an errand to run. Look, Kim gave me something with blue, and Emily gave me something old.

Emily: Ooh. You need something borrowed.

Katie: Oh, hey. Why don't you borrow my bracelet? It matches what you're wearing perfectly.

Vienna: Are you sure?

Katie: It would make me so happy for you to wear it. Here. You just get it off. [Whispering] Did you tell Henry the truth?

Vienna: I did what I had to do.

Katie: What does that mean?

Vienna: What do you think it means, Katie?

Katie: I don't know. That's why I'm asking you.

Paul: Ladies, the groom is ready.

Vienna: Emily, can you help me with the veil?

Chris: So, did Vienna tell Henry the truth?

Katie: She must have.

Chris: Yeah. I don't think she would have risked Barbara bursting in here, telling everybody, hmm? I just can't believe Henry would actually go through with it although he knows that Vienna's not pregnant.

Katie: Maybe Henry was drunk when she told him. Then it probably wouldn't fully register, right?

Chris: Mm --

Katie: Right. You'd have to be completely comatose for that not to register.

Chris: I guess Henry loves Vienna more than we thought. So if Barbara actually showed up, it wouldn't make any difference anyway.

Paul: Places, please. Places. Okay. Showtime.

[Henry sighs]

Josiah: Henry, are we waiting for someone?

Vienna: Henry?

Henry: You look beautiful, Liebchen.

Vienna: So do you.

Josiah: Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today, not in the sight of god per se, but in the force field of the magnificent, life-affirming energy of the universe to bring together this man and this woman in the bonds of holy matrimony. Each of you is present at this wonderful occasion because of your importance in this couple's lives, to witness and celebrate the commitment they are about to make to each other -- a commitment that is not to be entered into lightly or with any misgivings. Which is why before we precede, there is one question I must ask. Does anyone here know a reason why these two should not be married today? If so, speak now or forever hold your peace.


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