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Wednesday, July 27, 2005
Today’s episode was directed by Habib Azar and written by Melissa Salmons.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Henry: Nothing but soft Corinthian leather and shampooed carpets. Moe: Yeah, you keep a real nice house. Henry: Put a sock in it, Moe. You want to pay me the $500 that you lost last night? Do you? I didn't think so. You know the deal. For today, this is my car, not my residence. And you are my driver. And I insist on a man in uniform. Moe: Aw, come on. Henry: Or cash. Whichever you like. That's right, put it on. Moe: All right, all right. What about the furball? Henry: Yeah. Here, can you throw this over him? Not a peep out of you until I can explain things to my sister, all right? Hopefully, this will be a quick turnaround. Meet her at the plane, I'll show her a few sights and then she'll get on the next plane out of town. Madeline. Maddie: Henry! Henry: Hey, hey, hey, hey, little sister! I can't believe you are here. Maddie: Me, neither. Finally! Henry: Let me take a look at you. Let me take a look at you. Oh, my goodness. Oh, no, get out of here with that. You are still the most gorgeous Coleman. You know, of the girls, at least. Maddie: Oh, and you are still a world champion liar. Henry: My apologies for the help. Maddie: Is this your car? Henry: Well, you know. Maddie: Your driver? Henry: Only the best for my little sister.
Henry: You know what? I would've had more of a day planned for you, but I did not know you were coming until last night. Why didn't you call me sooner? Maddie: You know, it was one of those last minute airfares online. It was the only thing I could afford. But, I mean, hey, if I would've known you were driving around in limos, I would've hit you up for the fare. Henry: And you know I would do anything for you, sweetie. I just -- you didn't have to drop everything to come out here and check up on me. Especially with so much luggage. Maddie: Well, you never brought Katie to meet us, so I, you know, figured this was the only way. Henry: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's crazy busy today, though, unfortunately. So I think it's just gonna be you and me. Which I hope is okay? We can catch up. Maddie: Oh, yeah, yeah. This is off the hook. You and me in a limo. Henry: Is it everything you pictured? Maddie: Not exactly. Well, we know you play the stock market. So when we didn't hear from you in a while, you know, I was afraid that you got burned in one of those insider trading things. Henry: Oh, no, honey. No, no, no, no. I'm diversified. In fact, I've invested right here in Oakdale. Maddie: Trust you to have the town totally wired. Henry: Totally. Okay, first things first, though. Let's go have lunch at the local hot spot. What do you say? Maddie: Great. Let me just change. Henry: What? Maddie: Change clothes. Henry: Well, you look fine. Maddie: I feel crumpled. Henry: Yeah, that look is in. Maddie: Well, let's just go to your place. Henry: We can't. It's being painted. [ Maddie sneezes ] And you're obviously very susceptible, so I think paint fumes are not -- bless you. Maddie: Thank you. Henry: You know what? I think we should just go eat. Let's go eat. Maddie: A tissue? Do you have a tissue? Henry: Tissue? Yeah, right there. Moe: Hey, the track opens in a half hour, Coleman, so -- Henry: Sir, your extra-curricular activities are not my concern. You're just expected to drive. Maddie, that's not the place -- no, no, the tissues are right underneath -- Maddie: Yours? I did your laundry for three years, Henry, don't try to duck it. [ Henry laughs ] Henry: You got me. This is not what a kid sister should see. You know, I closed on a big deal yesterday. And we were having a big celebration, and I guess the party got a little bit wild in here. Maddie: You had time to floss? Henry: Yes. Oral hygiene is an important part of my life. Maddie: So is shaving -- Henry: Yeah. Maddie: And smelling good -- Henry: Maddie -- Maddie, get out of there, will you? Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Maddie: Your checkbook? A racquetball? Socks. You live in this car, don't you?
Maddie: Henry, we can do this the hard way or the easy way. Henry: Oh, whoa, listen to you, tough girl. I knew you when you wore ruffled socks. Remember that. Maddie: Henry, is this your car? Henry: Absolutely. Maddie: So, you're a limo driver? Henry: On occasion. Maddie: And this guy? Henry: That's Moe. He's a gaming associate. Maddie: How much are you into him for? Moe: $500. Maddie: You drew to an inside straight, didn't you? Always a bad move. Henry: All right, Moe, you can go. Moe: So -- Henry: Yes, yes, we're even. Go, get out. Moe: Thanks. Maddie: Henry? Henry: Yeah? Maddie: What are you doing here? Henry: This is just a temporary situation. Maddie: Did you and your wife get into a fight or -- Henry: No, no, no, not exactly. Maddie: Not exactly a fight? Or not exactly -- I mean, is this your wife? Oh, no. It's not one of your sad photoshop fantasies, is it? Henry: No, of course, not. Maddie, no. That's me, that's my wife, that was our wedding. And it was the greatest day of my life. Maddie: Only now you're living in a car. Henry: It's for a couple weeks, tops. It's just a cash flow problem. Bless you. And it has nothing to do with Katie. Maddie: Well, where does she live? Henry: Our house. Her house. I sent you the pictures. Maddie: So you split? Henry: We're still friends. Maddie: What happened? Henry: It's complicated, honey. Maddie: But you sounded like the perfect couple. Henry: We were. Except when we were married. Maddie: But why? Henry: Before Katie and me, there was this guy. Remember how Princess Di said that there were three people in her marriage? Maddie: Who was the third wheel? Henry: It's this guy named Mike Kasnoff.
Maddie: So you just walked away from Katie? Henry: Yeah, honey, I had to. It was ruining the friendship. Maddie: But you loved her. Henry: I know. I always will. Maddie: This is so sad. Henry: No, it's awkward. That's all it is, it's -- it's going to get better. I can feel it coming around. Really. I think, actually, this might have been the best for everybody. You know, I -- hey, don't cry. Maddie: I can't help it. Henry: No, no, I'm okay. Maddie: I'm not. Henry: What's wrong? Maddie: Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's, you know, an airplane cold. Maybe my allergies. Henry: Oh, yeah, your allergies. Maddie: Yeah, you know. Henry: Snickers. Maddie: Not really candy, more like, you know, animal dander and pollen. Henry: I'm sorry, honey. Meet snickers the rabbit. Maddie: Oh, how cute. Just keep it far, far away from me, please? Henry: Yeah, that's not a bad idea. Actually, I think we're gonna take old snickers home to mama. We have sort of a shared custody agreement. Maddie: You and Katie? So I'm finally going to get to meet her? Well, it is about time.
[ Doorbell rings ] Katie: Henry, hi. Henry: Hi. Katie: What's up? Henry: Uh, snickers is homesick. Katie: Oh, no. Is he chewing through your car seat again? Henry: No, actually, Maddie is allergic. I'd like you to meet someone -- Katie: Madeline? Baby sister Madeline? This is such a nice surprise. Maddie: You know me? Katie: Yeah! You're so much prettier than your pictures. My god, I would know you anywhere. It's so nice to meet you. Maddie: Same here. Henry: Yeah, Maddie decided for a surprise visit. Katie: Well, you two, three, come on in. Henry: You're sure this is an okay time? Katie: Of course. Henry: Okay, great. Katie: So how is my baby boy? Oh, I've missed you so much. Henry: Yeah, he missed you, too.
Katie: So, did you take snickers to the park? Henry: No. No, I hate to do that. The dog run is a completely different thing for him. It's bunny hell. Katie: Well, he needs so much exercise. Can't you take him with you to your poker games? Henry: No, he's been banned. Katie: Why? Henry: Because every time snickers shows up, I win. Katie: Ah, well, he is a lucky charm. Henry: That's what I say. They say he signals me. Katie: Oh, please. So how long has it been since he had exercise? Henry: Let's see. I took him to the gym with me. When I went to get showered, he was a complete punk. I put him on the treadmill -- lowest setting, mind you -- he lasted five minutes. Do you still have that obstacle course in the spare room? Katie: I do. Keeps him busy for hours. Henry: Thank you. Katie: Let's go. Oh -- Maddie, I'm sorry. Make yourself at home. If you're thirsty, there's lemonade in the fridge. We'll be right back. Maddie: Thanks. Yeah, right, Henry. You're so over her. This is perfect. Oh, Henry, Henry, Henry -- you cannot give up on this. [ Doorbell rings ] Mike: Hi. Maddie: Hi. Mike: Is Katie here? Maddie: Yeah. Who are you? Mike: I'm Mike. Mike Kasnoff.
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