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Tuesday, July 28, 2009 Henry gets a visit from his mom for the first time in years. He suspects that she wants something. Sensing that Henry can't handle her on his own, Katie invites them over for dinner. Henry is not happy to have her crashing in his room and his life. Today’s episode was directed by Jennifer Pepperman and written by Cheryl K. Davis.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Audrey: No kiss? No little hug for your long-lost mother? Henry: I was expecting someone else. Audrey: Oh, well, I know it's a big surprise, but, you know, i did -- I did sort of give you a little hint, you know? Henry: Yeah? What hint is that? Audrey: Well, that -- that big, fat floral one right here. Henry: That's -- that's from you? Audrey: Yeah, and they're -- gorgeous, aren't they? I -- I mean, they're even prettier than I thought they would be. I mean, they cost me a pretty penny, I tell you. Henry: You shouldn't -- you shouldn't have. Audrey: Well, I just thought it would be a nice gesture, because I knew you probably didn't think you'd ever, ever see me again. Henry: Frankly, I was counting on it. Audrey: Ouch. Henry: No! No. Don't "ouch" me. Why are you here, and when are you leaving?
Audrey: How could I not come to see you, Henry, after I saw my baby boy on tv and in a -- a dress, no less. You know, for a minute there, I thought maybe I had another daughter I didn't even know about. Henry: Oh, god. The humiliation never ends. Audrey: Hey, isn't there maybe something you want to tell me? You know, something that you've had hidden deep down, buried for a very long time? I'm here. I'm here. Henry: Me wearing a dress was a strategic maneuver, okay? It was tactical. That's it. Audrey: Okay. Okey-dokey. Whatever you say. I just want you to know that my heart and my arms are always wide open. Henry: I'm sure there are many men who can vouch for that. So, you're here out of the blue, showing up to help. What's that about, I wonder? Audrey: Uh, because I wanted you to know that I would always be here for you. Henry: Only when you want something. Audrey: How in the world did I ever raise such a cynic? Henry: That's a trick question, because you didn't raise me, and I remember going to sleep and kissing the TV good night. Audrey: Okay. Okay. I get it. I'm the mother. I am the mother, and so this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna say it first. Here I go. Henry, I forgive you. [Henry exhales sharply] Henry: You -- I'm sorry. What? You forgive me? Have you forgotten that you're the one that walked out and let me raise your own children? Have you forgotten that? Audrey: You know, I am not here to rehash ancient history. I am here to forgive and forget. Henry: What's his name, and why did he kick you out? Audrey: It was completely mutual, and we both knew that we were headed in different directions. Wow. Wow, wow, wow. You, uh, you really truly have made something of yourself, haven't you? Henry: No thanks to you. Audrey: This is just such a beautiful room. You know, is this a California king? Henry: No, lady, no. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. This town isn't big enough for the two of us, and this room isn't, either.
[Beep] Henry: Hello? Brad, Katie, is anyone there? Something terrible has happened. You have to help me. Call me back as soon as you get this message. [Katie sighs] Katie: He sounds so desperate. Brad: No. You want to see desperate? Desperate husband right here. Katie: I know. Brad -- Brad -- [Brad sighs] Brad: Okay. All right. Just make it quick.
Henry: Bubbles, thank you for getting back to me so soon. Katie: What's going on? Henry: You remember how I thought that Vienna was coming home? Katie: Yeah. She sent you flowers. Henry: I was wrong. They're not from her. Katie: Who are they from? Henry: They're from my mother, and she's here now. Katie: So? Henry: Maybe you don't hear. She's here. Here, here, here, like in my hotel room. Katie: Um, that's it? Henry: Yeah, that's more than enough, sweetheart, okay? Katie: Well, she wouldn't be the first mother to pay a surprise visit to one of her children. That's what mothers do. And it certainly does not qualify as an emergency, especially right when Brad and I were about to finally -- finally -- Henry: Well, finally what? Katie: Nothing. Brad: Nothing? Henry: What should I do with her? Katie: She's your mother. You're asking me? I don't know. What does she like to do? Henry: She likes to run off with strange men and make my life a living hell and not necessarily in that order. Katie: Okay. I'm hanging up now. Henry: Katie, please don't. No, no, no. Please, please. I need help. I cannot be left alone with this woman. Katie: Why not? Henry: Maybe you didn't hear me the first two times. This is my mother we're talking about. Katie: Well, you never really talk about her. I've never met her. Henry: That is because god has been very kind to you. Katie: Okay. Why don't you two come over for dinner? Henry: You cannot be serious! Katie: Well, now you've really got me curious. Henry: Our friendship has been through a lot in the last couple of months, and I think my mother may be the straw the breaks the camel's back. Katie: Now I really have to meet her. Come over.
Audrey: Brad and Katie, is it? Wow. Brad: Hello. Audrey: Your house is absolutely gorgeous. Did you two do this all by your little selves, or did you have a decorator? Brad: No, it was all Katie. Audrey: Oh, and, Henry, you did not tell me that Katie is just the prettiest thing I've ever seen. Henry: You'll have to excuse my mom. Any time she's in a new place, she likes to kiss up to everyone until she's sure they won't kick her out. You can dial it down a notch, mom. They already agreed to feed you. Audrey: I mean every word. You know that, son. Really. Really, Katie, you and your house are just lovely. Katie: Well, thank you. I actually feel like I'm beginning to resemble a house, but -- Audrey: No, no, don't say that. Really, you're just a vision. Brad: Yeah. That's what I keep telling her. Audrey: See? I really think that a woman is never any more beautiful then when she's carrying a child, and I guess I should know, since I was in the family way several times. Henry: How many -- how many times was it, actually, mom? Or did it slip your mind, along with our birthdays? Audrey: Wow. My son is so cute. Isn't he just the cutest thing, always quick with that quip, aren't you, my little hanky-panky? Katie: Your what? Henry: Martini, anyone? Audrey: Hanky-panky. That's a name I had for him, 'cause he would tie my mother's handkerchiefs together, and he would tie them around his waist and do like this -- Henry: Here you go, mom. Audrey: It was so cute. Henry: There you go. Audrey: Oh. Well, thank you. Wow. Mmm. Good. Yeah, just the way I like it. You remember. Henry: Well, how could I forget? There was hell to pay if I didn't get it right, even at the age of 7. Katie: Audrey, I hope you like lamb. Audrey: Love. Love, love, love lamb. Love it. Um, I -- I sure hope we're not, uh, putting you two out, causing too much trouble here. Katie: Oh, no, no. Please. Of course not. In fact, confessional time. You're not putting us out at all, because I had Brad just go to Lakeview and pick up a rack of lamb and all the trimmings. So we just have to heat it and serve. Brad: Katie's under doctor's orders to take it super-easy, so I will be the one serving. Audrey: Oh, no, you will do no such thing. I have never let the man of the house serve when I'm around, so I would be honored to serve you. Why don't you two go sit at the table? And I would love to serve you. Katie: Henry, please. I don't see the problem. Your mother is a doll. Henry: Yeah, she's a doll, like chucky is a doll. Brad: I -- I still don't see why this is an emergency. Henry: Maybe I overreacted, all right? But when I opened the door, I expected to see my beautiful Vienna, and instead I saw her. Audrey: And who is Vienna? Henry: It's a city in Austria, mom. I will point it out on a map to you sometime. Katie: Henry, stop it. Vienna is the love of Henry's life. Brad: They just broke up. Audrey: Oh! No, no, no. My poor baby. See? It's a very good thing your mommy's here.
Audrey: I cannot tell you how much fun I have had with the two of you, but, um, my son and I cannot continue to monopolize all your time, so I'm just gonna run to the little girls' room, and then we're gonna scoot. Henry: Well? Katie: Well what? Henry: Well, you have had dinner with Audrey the abominable. How do I get rid of her? Katie: Here's an idea. You don't. Henry: Think again. Katie: Henry, I mean it. I think maybe it's a good thing that your mother's here right now. Not long ago, you were curled up on our couch, and now you're out and about. Henry: Yeah, because I am in hell, because every word that comes out of that woman's mouth is like a pitchfork into my psyche. Brad: Well, maybe that's a good thing. It'll help you forget how miserable your life has been since Vienna left you. Katie: Brad! Brad: What? What? He has been miserable. We all know it. Henry: I -- I will be more miserable if my mother is here. You have no idea how that woman treated me. Katie: No, I don't. But here's what I do see. Whatever she did in the past, I think she's trying to make up for it. And here's another little piece of advice -- how can you expect Vienna to forgive you if you can't forgive your own mother? Audrey: Uh, son. Henry: Yes? I think we really need to go and let these two adorable lovebirds get some rest -- or not. Brad: You are one savvy woman, Audrey. Katie: Yes, you are, and welcome in our home anytime. Brad: That goes double for me.
Audrey: Listen, I'm -- I'm -- I'm a little pooped. I think I'll get a little rest. I know it's early, but maybe just rest a little bit. Do you -- do you remember when we used to, um, lie in bed and watch TV together? Henry: Yeah. We used to cut the cards to decide who would choose the channel. And we agreed -- no trips down memory lane, so you take the bed, I'll take the couch, all right? Audrey: Fine, fine. Uh, you know, it was really sweet of you to, um, introduce me to Brad and Katie. I had a really good time. Henry: Yeah, well, don't make such a big deal out of it. Audrey: I mean, it -- it really -- it meant a lot to me. Look, I -- I do realize I have not exactly been mother of the year. Henry: Ha! Audrey: I think that maybe -- maybe I'm here, and we could sort of fix things up a little. You know, patch things up between us. Maybe a little? Henry: It's too late for that. Audrey: Bull! Bull hockey! You know what? It is not too late, because if it was too late, you would have never, ever let me through that door. Henry, it really does mean a lot to me. I'm glad you did. Henry: Get some rest, mom. Audrey: Okay. Hey, would you be a sweetie petey and call room service and tell them I want two eggs for breakfast? You know just the way I like them. Henry: Yeah. Maybe I can get them to bring me a knife so I can slit my wrists.
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