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Wednesday, August 5, 2009 Henry is still trying to save Jay Stanhope from his mother, when he finds out that's not his real name. He goes to Katie and tells her what's going on, and asks for her help to get some proof about what his mother is up to. Meanwhile, Audrey gets the results to her mysterious DNA test, which causes her to exclaim, "I knew it!" Today’s episode was directed by Brian Mertes and written by Leslie Nipkow.
Transcripts from TVMegasite [Knock on door] Audrey: Excuse me. Henry: You can't keep the robe, mother. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't
drink that! Don't drink that! Audrey: Henry, what is wrong with you? Henry: Don't get any on your hands. You have no idea what's in it. Jay: I'm fine. I fixed it myself. Henry: Were you here when the pot was brought in? Jay: No. Henry: Have you ever tasted antifreeze before? Jay: Audrey, what's going on here? Your son, does he have some issues, or
what? Henry: No, no. I am fine. My mother is the sociopath of the family. Audrey: My son thinks that I am a serial killer and you -- you are my next
victim. Henry: You wouldn't be laughing if you were turning blue and convulsing on
the floor! Jay: Just be careful. I might laugh myself into unconsciousness here. Audrey: No worries there. We do have a defibrillator in the lobby. Henry: I am trying to save your life here. Jay: Gee, thanks. Henry: You've got to understand. My mother is like a black widow, okay, and
she lures her suitors into her web, and then she snuffs them out and sashays off
to find new prey. Audrey: You sound positively diabolical. Henry: I have proof. I have proof. Jay: Really? Henry: Yes, I do. Audrey: This is ridiculous! This is ridiculous! Henry: I come from a long line of psychos, and my mother makes two. My little
sister is in jail for murder, and you know what? I don't know why I don't just
call the police and turn you in. Audrey: Why don't you do that? Henry: Because you're my mom, and because I don't know the other guys that
you iced. Audrey: That is so very sweet. You really do love me, don't you? You do. Henry: Not enough to let you keep killing people under my nose, okay? No.
It's over, mom. You got to find another hobby. Jay: Hey, you said you had proof. Henry: Yes, yes. I do. I have newspaper clippings cross-referenced with her
diary entries. If you'd like to see them, I will show you. Audrey: Good. That's a great idea. Why don't you take him and work with him?
You know, work with him here. Prove that I'm a serial killer. I'll just wait
right here. Henry: Please. Don't run away! Audrey: Don't worry. I never go on the lamb until after noon. Henry: Thank you. Henry: Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. What do all these men have
in common? Audrey Coleman. She keeps these obituaries in her luggage. She is a
serial killer, okay? These are souvenirs. It's a classic case. You don't want to
join this club. Jay: Maybe she's attracted to guys with heart conditions. Henry: How's your ticker? Jay: Fine, thanks. Henry: For how long? Jay: Okay, this is ridiculous. Henry: Listen. Please listen. Murder runs in my family. We're downright
homicidal. Now, why would I make up something like that? Jay: Henry, you need to drink more. It'll be good for you. Bartender. Bartender: Another round? Henry: No. I'll just take the check. Bartender: You're set. Mr. Zuma already took care of it. Henry: Who? Bartender: The guy you just had a drink with. Henry: That was Jay Stanhope. Bartender: Not according to his credit-card receipt. Henry: "Raymond Zuma." What the hell's going on here? [Doorbell rings] Katie: It's open. Henry: Bubbles, thank god you're still home! Katie: I'm always home. What's going on? Henry: It's utter mayhem! It's worse than I originally thought. Katie: What is? Henry: My mother, the psychotic killer. I think she's struck again. Katie: Oh, stop it, Henry. This is nuts! Henry: I know, I know! It's totally nuts! Katie: No. You're nuts. I just saw your mother a little while ago. She is not
a killer. She's very sweet. Henry: Do not -- do not let her fool you, okay? I just had a drink with her
latest beau. Katie: That's nice. Henry: No, it's not. Audrey introduced him as Jay Stanhope. Only problem is
that's not really his name. Underneath Mr. Stanhope lurks Raymond Zuma. Katie: So? Henry: So, obviously, if Raymond is going around masquerading as Jay, then
the real Jay is either missing or dead. Katie: Do you have proof of that? Henry: No, not yet. But you're gonna help me get some.
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