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Wednesday, October 5, 2005 Henry gets a fabulous new job! But what does he have to give up to get it? Henry's sitting at the bar at the Lakeview Lounge and the bartender asks him if he wants a refill. "Yeah, a pink lady," murmurs Henry absentmindedly. " Excuse me?" asks the bartender. "I'm sorry, I was thinking of a pink sweater -- not mine, someone else's. No refill. I'm good, thanks. Thank you," Henry says, "Yeah, that's what she said. She said pink sweater. It's got to be you." BJ appears and asks, "Are you talking to me?" "No, uh, I'm talking to myself. I do that all the time. Uh, here, have my seat, Mr. Green. Uh, I've gotta run," says Henry. "Ah, come on, call me B.J. And stick around, I'm buying," offers Henry. "No, that's very tempting," says Henry. BJ offers to buy him dinner, but Henry says, "I'm usually a sitting duck for free food, but there's really something I've got to take care of." "Sounds important," observes BJ. "It could be. Anyway, I'll take a rain check, huh?" says Henry. "Any time. I'll see you around," says BJ. "Count on it," replies Henry as he leaves.
Maddie and Casey are arguing at Java when Henry interrupts them. "Play nice! Play nice, kids!" he says. "Henry, what are you doing here? How did you find me?" asks Maddie. "I called WOAK. We need to talk," says Henry. "I can't. I have to deliver these coffees back to the station," says Maddie. "Now, Maddie," insists Henry. "Henry, I can't. I will lose my job," protests Maddie. "No, you won't. No, you won't. Here. Uh, you know what? Be a gentleman," says Henry, handing the coffees to Casey. Maddie shakes her head, "Impossible" "Come on. Set my sister free," requests Henry. "I'm not the intern," says Casey. "Will you just do it, please? It's a family emergency," begs Henry. "Is -- is everything okay with mom?" asks Maddie. "Mom's fine. Mom's just fine. Come on, be a sport, will ya? You know what? I will give you my last $20. There you go. Go crazy," says Henry. "Don't take his money," says Maddie. "Sure, I'd be glad to," smiles Casey as he takes the coffee. "There you go. You're going places, kid," says Henry. "Oh, and do not mix those up. Your grandmother gets a decaf," lectures Maddie. "Don't push it," says Casey, leaving to deliver the coffee. "Oh, what -- so what's going on?" asks Maddie. "Get the laptop," orders Henry, leading her to a table. "For what?" asks Maddie. "Just open it up. Get online," says Henry shortly. "Relax," says Maddie. "Log on, will you, please?" asks Henry. "All right. Give me a second. I told you, if this is about Katie, I told you already. I got rid of Byron, all right? And he will never e-mail Katie again," says Maddie. "Don't be so sure," says Henry mysteriously.
"No way, Henry. The guy looks nothing like Byron," says Maddie. "I'm telling you, Byron Glass is B.J. Green," insists Henry. "All right, I'll scan classfriendsfound.com again, get another picture," says Maddie as they both lean over her computer. "All right, here it is. Byron Glass -- chess club, AP calc award, science club. Look at him. He has a serious weight problem. B.J.'S kind of hot," says Maddie. "Shh, don't talk like that. So, he had some surgery. He shed some pounds. He definitely had some highlights. Why don't you make it bigger," suggests Henry. Maddie enlarges the photo and says, "Well, I admit it. There is a vague resemblance." "Vague resemblance. Pink sweater. Pink sweaters, Maddie. That's what his assistant said he was sending to k-k-k-Katie," Henry reminds her. "All right, well, I will pull up his picture from his bio on the dotcom firm, and we'll put them side by side and just compare. Whoa, instant makeover," says Maddie, observing the two photos. "All right, all right. I know they don't look exactly alike, but just look at the eyes," says Henry. "Could be," says Maddie. "Is. B.J. Green and the geek that was obsessed with Katie in high school are one and the same," declares Henry.
Meanwhile, at WOAK, Casey is telling BJ stories of Katie's youth. She and Mike try to ask him about his past but he insists there's nothing to tell, although he's "an open book." When BJ is alone Henry arrives and confronts him. "That open book is a big mystery. A big fat mystery, one might say," he says. "Henry, what are you doing here?" asks BJ. "The question is, Byron, what are you doing in Katie's life?" asks Henry.
"That didn't take long," smiles BJ. "Well, at least you're not denying it. B.J. Green, dotcom wizard, is really Byron Glass, overweight math prodigy. It really is a small world after all," observes Henry. "And getting smaller all the time," agrees BJ. "I can understand why Katie didn't recognize you. You are just a shadow of your former self," says Henry. "Well, it's the power of exercise, Henry," says BJ. "What are you doing, sneaking back into Katie's life?" asks Henry. "First of all, I was never really in Katie's life to begin with. And if by sneaking, you mean me buying into the station and producing the show, is there really a crime in that?" asks BJ, closing the door. "No, there's not a crime, not if you come up and say, 'Hey, Katie, it's me, Byron Glass. I'm the dorky, fat kid from high school.' See, that way, all the players know one another," says Henry. "But what if I'm not a player?" says Byron. "What are you after?" asks Henry. "Some fun, Henry. After all these years, just a little fun," replies BJ. "Some fun. Some fun with Katie," says Henry. "With life," responds BJ. "Uh-huh," says Henry, not buying it, "So, the flowers, the sweater..." "Does not a felony make," says BJ. "Yeah, now, why did you change your name?" asks Henry. "Why keep it?" replies BJ. "So people know who you are when you pop back up on the radar," says Henry. "Okay, I got sick of the jokes. All right? I've heard them all. Byron the blimp. Byron the four-eyed fatso. All of them. See, Green was my mother's maiden name, so that seemed like a logical choice. And I will ask you one more time, if there are any laws I've broken, I would sure like to know," says BJ. "How about the laws of decency?" suggests Henry. "Have I been indecent?" asks BJ innocently. "You need to tell her," insists Henry. "Okay -- I -- I don't see what the big deal is. I just made a little money," says BJ. "Yeah. Yeah, and The Donald just owns a little bit of real estate. Come on!" cries Henry. "You know what? My accountant turned me onto this deal. All right? I was looking for an investment, and I didn't even put it together that Katie lived here until after I had already made the offer," says BJ. "Really?" says Henry suspiciously. "Wow. You really are overprotective for an ex," observes BJ. "I'm not your typical ex," replies Henry. "Yeah, I'm getting that feeling. Look -- Henry, I know Katie is a great person, she always was. I mean, she never had any cracks about my weight. She was one of the nice girls. She always had a smile and a kind thing to say," says BJ. "Mm-hmm, and you fell madly in love with her, didn't you?" says Henry. "I had a crush on her, sure. So did every other guy I knew. Look, when I got here, it was my intention to tell her. I was just gonna tell her, who I am, and then she didn't recognize me and I figured, why should I bring up all that old baggage? Right? Why not let her get to know the man that I am and not remember the boy that I was," says BJ. "Don't -- don't you think it's just a little bit underhanded?" asks Henry. "Okay. If you really have a problem with this, I'll come clean," shrugs BJ, "And then she can back off of this whole deal, not do the show and then go back to work at the gym. You were part of that deal, right?" "Yeah, I brokered it," says Henry. "Yeah, you think she's anxious to get back to the struggle, back to the month-to-month suspense of whether or not she's actually going to pull a salary?" asks BJ. "Well, golly, since you put it that way," says Henry. "I'm sorry. Look, I've got big plans for Katie, okay? And the station -- and even you, if you're interested," says BJ. "You have big plans for me?" asks Henry skeptically. "Yes. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. See, the truth is, I need an assistant. Someone quick -- someone fast on his feet, someone who understands the value of trust," says BJ. "Thanks, man, I got a job," replies Henry. "This one has a competitive salary and a suite adjoining mine at the Lakeview," says BJ. "Digs and dough?" asks Henry, tempted. "Room service at your fingertips, expense account, access to the private jet," says BJ. "And all I have to do is keep your chubby little past a secret. My, my, my, Mr. Green, you sure know your way around a bribe," says Henry.
"Well, silence really is golden," says Henry. "That's an offer, not a bribe. You'll have to work for every last cent," says BJ. "Doing what exactly?" asks Henry. "Administration, scheduling, press briefings, analyzing acquisitions, risk analysis reports. You think you can handle that?" asks BJ. "Please, my middle name is versatile," replies Henry. "Yeah, so I gather. Let's see here. Henry Coleman -- former TV exec, private eye, limo driver, poker player," says BJ, reading from a file. "Strictly amateur," adds Henry. "High school track star. Went to the ivy league on scholarship, but was booted out for..." reads BJ. "You are one thorough fellow, aren't you?" says Henry, interrupting him. "You have no idea. You interested?" asks BJ. "Listen, pal, I could make your life easier in a dozen different ways," says Henry, "And I know my way around a secret, but this is Katie." "All right. Look, if you really have a problem with this, just go ahead and tell her. I really don't care," says BJ casually. "That's a nice bluff," says Henry. "I'm not bluffing. Worst case, she backs out of the project. I sell my stake in the station, try my luck in L.A," says BJ. "It's a long way to L.A.," observes Henry. "Everywhere is a long way from here. Look, Henry, you got to think about this, okay? If you really don't trust me as much as I think you don't, this would be a great way to keep an eye on things, wouldn't it?" says BJ. "This suite at the Lakeview, it's totally comped?" asks Henry. "Totally," answers BJ. "Okay, well, eventually I'm gonna need a place of my own," says Henry. "Is there someone special?" asks BJ. "Very," says Henry, thinking of Maddie. "Okay, well, with what I'm prepared to pay, you'll be able to afford your own place very soon. Very soon, but that's, you know, no pressure," says BJ. "None felt. Although, I do feel your pain... Beej. Bubbles is very difficult to forget," says Henry. "Bubbles?" asks BJ. "Oh, not everything pops up in the research, huh? Anyway, you have made one good point. Someone around here needs to keep you honest," says Henry. "And can you think of a better man for the job?" asks BJ. "Frankly, no. You've got yourself a deal, Mr. Green," says Henry, shaking his hand. Today’s episode was directed by John O'Connell and written by Judith Donato.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Bartender: Refill? Henry: Yeah, a pink lady. Bartender: Excuse me? Henry: I'm sorry, I was thinking of a pink sweater -- not mine, someone else's. No refill. I'm good, thanks. Thank you. Yeah, that's what she said. She said pink sweater. It's got to be you. B.J.: Are you talking to me? Henry: No, uh, I'm talking to myself. I do that all the time. Uh, here, have my seat, Mr. Green. Uh, I've gotta run. B.J.: Ah, come on, call me B.J. And stick around, I'm buying. Henry: No, that's very tempting, but -- B.J.: Well, maybe dinner later? Henry: I'm usually a sitting duck for free food, but there's really something I've got to take care of. B.J.: Sounds important. Henry: It could be. Anyway, I'll take a rain check, huh? B.J.: Any time. I'll see you around. Henry: Count on it.
Maddie: Didn't anybody teach you manners? Casey: Look who's been to finishing school. Maddie: So you're telling me that this Gwen girl didn't break your heart? Casey: Are you kidding me? I can't stand her. She's -- she's a lot like you -- out to ruin my life. Maddie: Charming, Hughes. Casey: Just stay out of it. Maddie: Fine! Henry: Play nice! Play nice, kids! Maddie: Henry, what are you doing here? How did you find me? Henry: I called WOAK. We need to talk. Maddie: I can't. I have to deliver these coffees back to the station. Henry: Now, Maddie. Maddie: Henry, I can't. I will lose my job. Henry: No, you won't. No, you won't. Here. Uh, you know what? Be a gentleman. Maddie: Impossible. Henry: Come on. Set my sister free. Maddie: Henry -- Casey: I'm not the intern. Henry: Will you just do it, please? It's a family emergency. Maddie: Is -- is everything okay with mom? Henry: Mom's fine. Mom's just fine. Come on, be a sport, will ya? You know what? I will give you my last $20. There you go. Go crazy. Maddie: Don't take his money. Casey: Sure, I'd be glad to. Henry: There you go. You're going places, kid. Maddie: Oh, and do not mix those up. Your grandmother gets a decaf. Casey: Don't push it. Maddie: Oh, what -- so what's going on? Henry: Get the laptop. Maddie: My laptop? Henry: Yeah. Maddie: For what? Henry: Just open it up. Maddie: All right, okay. Henry: Get online. Maddie: Relax. Henry: Log on, will you, please? Maddie: All right. Give me a second. I told you, if this is about Katie -- Henry: Just -- Maddie: I am trying. Relax, Henry. I told you already. I got rid of Byron, all right? And he will never e-mail Katie again. Henry: Don't be so sure.
Maddie: No way, Henry. The guy looks nothing like Byron. Henry: I'm telling you, Byron Glass is B.J. Green. Maddie: All right, I'll scan classfriendsfound.com again, get another picture. Henry: It's the year after. Maddie: Oh, yeah, you're right. All right, here it is. "Byron Glass -- chess club, AP calc award, science club. Look at him. He has a serious weight problem. B.J.'S kind of hot. Henry: Shh, don't talk like that. So, he had some surgery. He shed some pounds. He definitely had some highlights. Why don't you make it bigger. Maddie: I'll try. There we go. Henry: Eesh. Maddie: Well, I admit it. There is a vague resemblance. Henry: "Vague resemblance." Pink sweater. Pink sweaters, Maddie. That's what his assistant said he was sending to k-k-k-Katie. Maddie: All right, well, I will pull up his picture from his bio on the dotcom firm, and we'll put them side by side and just compare. Whoa, instant makeover. Henry: All right, all right. I know they don't look exactly alike, but just look at the eyes. Maddie: Could be. Henry: Is. B.J. Green and the geek that was obsessed with Katie in high school are one and the same.
B.J.: I'm an open book. Mike: Guess we'll have to take your word for it. Well, see you tomorrow. B.J.: Good night. Henry: That open book is a big mystery. A big fat mystery, one might say. B.J.: Henry, what are you doing here? Henry: The question is, Byron, what are you doing in Katie's life?
B.J.: That didn't take long. Henry: Well, at least you're not denying it. B.J. Green, dotcom wizard, is really Byron Glass, overweight math prodigy. It really is a small world after all. B.J.: And getting smaller all the time. Henry: I can understand why Katie didn't recognize you. You are just a shadow of your former self. B.J.: Well, it's the power of exercise, Henry. Henry: What are you doing, sneaking back into Katie's life? B.J.: First of all, I was never really in Katie's life to begin with. And if by sneaking, you mean me buying into the station and producing the show, is there really a crime in that? Henry: No, there's not a crime, not if you come up and say, "hey, Katie, it's me, Byron Glass. I'm the dorky, fat kid from high school." See, that way, all the players know one another. B.J.: But what if I'm not a player? Henry: What are you after? B.J.: Some fun, Henry. After all these years, just a little fun. Henry: Some fun. Some fun with Katie. B.J.: With life. Henry: Uh-huh. So, the flowers, the sweater -- B.J.: Does not a felony make. Henry: Yeah, now, why did you change your name? B.J.: Why keep it? Henry: So people know who you are when you pop back up on the radar. B.J.: Okay, I got sick of the jokes. All right? I've heard them all. Byron the blimp. Byron the four-eyed fatso. All of them. See, Green was my mother's maiden name, so that seemed like a logical choice. And I will ask you one more time, if there are any laws I've broken, I would sure like to know. Henry: How about the laws of decency? B.J.: Have I been indecent? Henry: You need to tell her. B.J.: Okay -- I -- I don't see what the big deal is. I just made a little money. Henry: Yeah. Yeah, and "the Donald" just owns a little bit of real estate. Come on! B.J.: You know what? My accountant turned me onto this deal. All right? I was looking for an investment, and I didn't even put it together that Katie lived here until after I had already made the offer. Henry: Really? B.J.: Wow. You really are overprotective for an ex. Henry: I'm not your typical ex. B.J.: Yeah, I'm getting that feeling. Look -- Henry, I know Katie is a great person, she always was. I mean, she never had any cracks about my weight. She was one of the nice girls. She always had a smile and a kind thing to say. Henry: Mm-hmm, and you fell madly in love with her, didn't you? B.J.: I had a crush on her, sure. So did every other guy I knew. Look, when I got here, it was my intention to tell her. I was just gonna tell her, who I am, and then she didn't recognize me and I figured, why should I bring up all that old baggage? Right? Why not let her get to know the man that I am and not remember the boy that I was. Henry: Don't -- don't you think it's just a little bit underhanded? B.J.: Okay. If you really have a problem with this, I'll come clean. Henry: Good. B.J.: And then she can back off of this whole deal, not do the show and then go back to work at the gym. You were part of that deal, right? Henry: Yeah, I brokered it. B.J.: Yeah, you think she's anxious to get back to the struggle, back to the month-to-month suspense of whether or not she's actually going to pull a salary? Henry: Well, golly, since you put it that way -- B.J.: I'm sorry. Look, I've got big plans for Katie, okay? And the station -- and even you, if you're interested. Henry: You have big plans for me? B.J.: Yes. Yeah, sure. Absolutely. See, the truth is, I need an assistant. Someone quick -- someone fast on his feet, someone who understands the value of trust. Henry: Thanks, man, I got a job. B.J.: This one has a competitive salary and a suite adjoining mine at the Lakeview. Henry: Digs and dough? B.J.: Room service at your fingertips, expense account, access to the private jet -- Henry: And all I have to do is keep your chubby little past a secret. My, my, my, Mr. Green, you sure know your way around a bribe.
Henry: Well, silence really is golden. B.J.: That's an offer, not a bribe. You'll have to work for every last cent. Henry: Doing what exactly? B.J.: Administration, scheduling, press briefings, analyzing acquisitions, risk analysis reports. You think you can handle that? Henry: Please, my middle name is versatile. B.J.: Yeah, so I gather. Let's see here. Henry Coleman -- former TV exec, private eye, limo driver, poker player -- Henry: Strictly amateur. B.J.: High school track star. Went to the ivy league on scholarship, but was booted out for -- Henry: You are one thorough fellow, aren't you? B.J.: You have no idea. You interested? Henry: Listen, pal, I could make your life easier in a dozen different ways. B.J.: Agreed. Henry: Mm-hmm, and I know my way around a secret, but this is Katie. B.J.: All right. Look, if you really have a problem with this, just go ahead and tell her. I really don't care. Henry: That's a nice bluff. B.J.: I'm not bluffing. Worst case, she backs out of the project. I sell my stake in the station, try my luck in L.A. Henry: It's a long way to L.A. B.J.: Everywhere is a long way from here. Look, Henry, you got to think about this, okay? If you really don't trust me as much as I think you don't, this would be a great way to keep an eye on things, wouldn't it? Henry: This suite at the Lakeview, it's totally comped? B.J.: Totally. Henry: Okay, well, eventually I'm gonna need a place of my own. B.J.: Is there someone special? Henry: Very. B.J.: Okay, well, with what I'm prepared to pay, you'll be able to afford your own place very soon. Very soon, but that's, you know, no pressure. Henry: None felt. Although, I do feel your pain, Beej. Bubbles is very difficult to forget. B.J.: Bubbles? Henry: Oh, not everything pops up in the research, huh? Anyway, you have made one good point. Someone around here needs to keep you honest. B.J.: And can you think of a better man for the job? Henry: Frankly, no. You've got yourself a deal, Mr. Green.
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