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Thursday, November 10, 2005 Henry is hiding under the desk in BJ's office at WOAK. BJ has just told his associate that he needs him to "dispose" of someone, and Henry is trying not to be seen or heard. He fails. Despite holding his nose, he sneezes, and BJ quickly ushers the man out before making a deal. Henry thinks he's in the clear and crawls out from under the desk, only to find BJ. "Hello, Henry," says the sinister BJ. "Hey, don't you just love a shirt with a buttons? I know I do. Not my mother, though. Every Christmas I get a pair of cufflinks," rambles Henry, sneezing again, pretending to look around on the floor. "You know, merely Uncle Jim's, or Grandpa Bob's, or something like that, just heirlooms really. No real value, not worth a nickel, but sentimental thing, you know. Anyway, I have a dozen of these things, I lose 'em by the handful. But not these! Must be my lucky day," says Henry. "Somehow I don't think so," counters BJ. "I can't -- I'm all blocked up, got this head cold. I didn't even hear you come in. Which reminds me, you look like a man that has something to do really important. So, I'm just going to get out of your way," says Henry, moving toward the door. "You're not going anywhere!" says BJ, stopping him. "Chinese underwear? Yes, I got it. Me, too. I love them. You can -- nothing better," smiles Henry. "Henry, just cut the act and sit down, okay? I can't let you go -- not after what you heard," says BJ. BJ is speaking down to Henry who's sitting in a chair. "I realize and I understand that you're concerned, okay? And I know that I still have to explain to you my behavior the other night. But please know this, I have your best interests at heart -- yours and your sister's -- and I plan to compensate you for all of your efforts on my behalf," says BJ. "Hey, beej, look -- I'm a coward. So you can yell at me and sure, I'll blink. But you push me far enough and you're gonna find that I'm a man who will stand up for what's right, okay? And I am not going to be part of the disposal of someone. Which is why I'm going to do what I should've done weeks ago, and turn you over to the police," says Henry, standing up. "Okay, Henry, look, you have every right to be concerned. And if you still want to go and talk to the police after you hear what it is I have to say, then by all means, do that. But, please, let me explain?" begs BJ. "I'm a new man. I'm a complete, new man, and it's all because of her. And I never once thought that if I could really do it, if I could really become the person that I knew she deserved, that she would disappoint me. I really didn't think that. But then, you know, maybe I was so focused on changing the things I hated about myself, that I wasn't thinking about her," explains BJ. "So then, Halloween night came, and man, I just did it. I did everything. I set up that room perfectly. Like it was prom all over again. And I had the disco ball hanging there. And the perfect decorations everywhere. And her prom dress laid out perfectly on the bed. And our song playing on the CD player. And I'm telling you, I just -- I never thought when she walked in that door and she saw all of that, and she saw me, and realized who I really was -- I just never thought that she would reject me. And when she did -- I'm telling you, man, I'm never gonna forget the look on her face for as long as I live. I mean it was worse than being fat or poor or ugly. It was like she thought I was sick." BJ does look sick, so he walks to the fridge, takes out a bottle of chocolate, pours himself a glass, and drinks it. "I'm sorry, that was rude. Can I make you a martini?" offers BJ. "Ahh -- no. No, not necessary," says Henry, turning down a martini for the first time in his life. "You know, I really didn't mean to tear her dress like that. I was just holding onto her and she pulled away and I still had her -- you know. Anyway, ever since that night, I've been lost. I mean, I haven't known what to do. I just haven't been myself at all. So what I did was, I did what I do. I threw myself into work. I found a little company with a decent price-to-earnings ratio and then focused on annihilating it. Or as we say in my business, disposing of it. So that's what you overheard, me planning to overtake my competition," explains BJ while making a martini. "That's what that whole meeting was about?" asks Henry. "Yes. Buy up all the outstanding shares, and then by year's end I would hold the controlling interest. Within six months I would have stripped down all it's major assets, fired the CEO, and then went on to destroy countless lives for no reason at all except to make me feel better about my meaningless, pointless, little life. And to pretend that I don't want to throw myself in front of a bus every time I think of Katie Peretti," sighs BJ. He hands Henry the martini and pours himself another glass of chocolate milk. "Here's to you, Henry. The one man on this whole entire planet who understands what it is I'm going through," toasts BJ. "Drink up!" says BJ. "I -- sympathize with you, B.J., I do. But I don't like being played. So you buy up whatever you want to buy up. I'm still going to go talk to the cops," says Henry. "Wait, hey. Before you go, can you at least, please share with me how you managed to get over Katie?" asks BJ. "Yeah. Yeah, I moved on. Most of me has moved on, I guess," says Henry. BJ asks how, and Henry answers, "I realized that she was in love with someone else, B.J. And if I really loved her, then I just needed to let her go. Of course, half a dozen martinis doesn't hurt." "Speaking of which --- one for the road?" offers BJ, pointing to the martini that Henry has not touched. "I just -- look -- why not. Yeah, fine. As long as you understand," says Henry. "I would never stand between a man and his conscience," smiles BJ. "Would you like another?" asks BJ. "No, three is my limit," says Henry. "Okay. Well, then let me have my driver take you over to the station," offers BJ. "No, no, I wanna walk. The fresh air will do me girl. Good. Will do me good," stammers Henry. "You know, I am very glad that you're talking to the police," says BJ. "Liar liar pants on fire," taunts Henry. "No, really I am. Because, see, once you talk to them and the cops do what they need to do, then everyone will realize that I'm just a harmless, lovesick cowboy," says BJ. "Yes. Saddle up there, old paint," jokes Henry, slapping his thigh. "Oww! What the..." Henry turns around and sees a coat on a coathanger. "Hey, want a piece?" he threatens it. "Hey, the door's over here," BJ directs him. "What? Yes. It is. The door is over here. There is the door. I am doing this for Maddie. Because she is scared of you. And I want her to know that you are a-okay, cowboy. Over and out," says Henry, making less and less sense. "Well, good. And once you're reassured and Maddie's reassured, maybe we can all reassure Katie together when she gets back from the publicity tour. And then, who knows, maybe even Mike will come around." While Henry is standing in front of the door listening, his face goes blank. BJ pushes him with a finger and Henry falls against the door and slides to the floor. "Well, Henry. You're won't be talking to anyone. Not for a long, long time," says BJ, dragging him away. Meanwhile, Maddie has another one of her daydreams, only this one is a little more sinister. She's watching a scary old movie and starts to dream in black and white. She walks into WOAK dressed like Nancy Drew, with scary noises all around. Hunchback Henry walks in and says in an English accent, "Nice coat." "Henry! What did he do to you?" cries Maddie. "This? Master was kind enough to give me a souvenir," replies Henry. "That's a hump, not a souvenir," says Maddie. "We're into whales," says Henry, "The mammal, not the country. Oh, never mind. Walk this way." He lurches across the room and Maddie lurches after him. "Wait a minute. Henry, what is going on here? You have this hump, and this terrible accent. And there's bumps and bangs from behind the door. And look, what is this? This I think is blood," says Maddie, pointing to a smear on the wall. Henry tastes it and says, "It's ketchup. We're into fried foods." They hear screams from the other room and Maddie says, "We have to do something. B.J.'S in there and god only knows what he's going to do." Dracula BJ himself opens the door and comes out, dabbing at his mouth which is dripping blood. "Company! Vat a treat!" says BJ. "For you, master," says Henry, pulling Maddie forward. "Do not make me go in there. Get off of me!" cries Maddie. "She's right, old boy. It is a mess. Get the bucket," says BJ. "The blood bucket, master?" asks Henry eagerly. "And the mop. I was a little -- sloppy tonight," says BJ. "Are they all dead?" asks Henry. "Every last one," smiles BJ. "Katie and Mike, too?" asks Maddie, horrified. "I got a little hungry," replies BJ. "Master, your diet," Henry scolds him. "I saved some for you," says BJ. "Thank you, thank you, boss. Thank you, thank you, master," grovels Henry. He goes into the room, shuts the door, and laughs eerily. "You ate Katie and Mike?" asks Maddie. "Yes. It's all thanks to you, sweet Maddie. If you hadn't e-mailed me first as K-K-K-Katie, I would still be in Transylvania. But alas, all good things must come to an end. So you, sweet, sweet Maddie, must be dessert," smiles BJ. Maddie screams when Casey startles her back to real life. "Shhh! You're gonna wake the dead. Maddie? What's wrong? Are you all right?" asks Casey, and Maddie shakes her head. "Then, why're you watching a horror flick?" he asks. "Because B.J. Green is going to kill me!" says Maddie. Today’s episode was directed by Michael Eilbaum and written by Elizabeth Page.
Transcripts from TVMegasite Creepy guy: What's the problem? B.J.: A troublesome associate I need you to dispose of. Immediately. Creepy guy: You need a disposal, I'm your guy. B.J.: So you're available? Creepy guy: Just give me the name and it's done. [ Henry sneezes ] B.J.: Well, I'll be calling you. Creepy guy: Suit yourself. B.J.: Thanks for stopping by. Hello, Henry.
Henry: Hey, don't you just love a shirt with a buttons? I know I do. Not my mother, though. Every Christmas I get a pair of cufflinks -- [ Henry sneezes ] You know, merely Uncle Jim's, or Grandpa Bob's, or something like that, just heirlooms really. No real value, not worth a nickel, but sentimental thing, you know. Anyway, I have a dozen of these things, I lose 'em by the handful. But not these! Must be my lucky day. [ Coughs ] B.J.: Somehow I don't think so. Henry: I can't -- I'm all blocked up, got this head cold. I didn't even hear you come in. Which reminds me, you look like a man that has something to do really important. So, I'm just going to get out of your way. B.J.: You're not going anywhere! Henry: Chinese underwear? Yes, I got it. Me, too. I love them. You can -- nothing better. B.J.: Henry, just cut the act and sit down, okay? I can't let you go -- not after what you heard.
[ Gun shots ] [ Sirens blaring ] [ Screams ] Henry: Nice coat. Maddie: Henry! What did he do to you? Henry: This? Master was kind enough to give me a souvenir. Maddie: That's a hump, not a souvenir. Henry: We're into whales. Maddie: Whales? Henry: The mammal, not the country. Oh, never mind. Walk this way. Maddie: Wait a minute. Henry, what is going on here? You have this hump, and this terrible accent. And there's bumps and bangs from behind the door. And look, what is this? This I think is blood. Oh. Henry: It's ketchup. We're into fried foods. [ Screams ] Maddie: We have to do something. B.J.'S in there and god only knows what he's going to do. B.J.: Company! Vat a treat! Henry: For you, master. Maddie: Do not make me go in there. Get off of me! B.J.: She's right, old boy. It is a mess. Get the bucket. Henry: The blood bucket, master? B.J.: And the mop. I was a little -- sloppy tonight. Henry: Are they all dead? B.J.: Every last one. Maddie: Katie and Mike, too? B.J.: I got a little hungry. Henry: Master, your diet. B.J.: I saved some for you. Henry: Thank you, thank you, boss. Thank you, thank you, master. [ Maniacal laughter ] Maddie: You ate Katie and Mike? B.J.: Yes. It's all thanks to you, sweet Maddie. If you hadn't e-mailed me first as K-K-K-Katie, I would still be in Transylvania. But alas, all good things must come to an end. So you, sweet, sweet Maddie, must be dessert. [ Maddie screams ] Casey: Shhh! You're gonna wake the dead. Maddie? What's wrong? Are you all right? Then, why're you watching a horror flick? Maddie: Because B.J. Green is going to kill me.
B.J.: I realize and I understand that you're concerned, okay? And I know that I still have to explain to you my behavior the other night. But please know this, I have your best interests at heart -- yours and your sister's -- and I plan to compensate you for all of your efforts on my behalf. Henry: Hey, beej, look -- I'm a coward. So you can yell at me and sure, I'll blink. But you push me far enough and you're gonna find that I'm a man who will stand up for what's right, okay? And I am not going to be part of the disposal of someone. Which is why I'm going to do what I should've done weeks ago, and turn you over to the police. B.J.: Okay, Henry, look, you have every right to be concerned. And if you still want to go and talk to the police after you hear what it is I have to say, then by all means, do that. But, please, let me explain?
B.J.: I'm a new man. I'm a complete, new man, and it's all because of her. And I never once thought that if I could really do it, if I could really become the person that I knew she deserved, that she would disappoint me. I really didn't think that. But then, you know, maybe I was so focused on changing the things I hated about myself, that I wasn't thinking about her. So then, Halloween night came, and man, I just did it. I did everything. I set up that room perfectly. Like it was prom all over again. And I had the disco ball hanging there. And the perfect decorations everywhere. And her prom dress laid out perfectly on the bed. And our song playing on the CD player. And I'm telling you, I just -- I never thought when she walked in that door and she saw all of that, and she saw me, and realized who I really was -- I just never thought that she would reject me. And when she did -- I'm telling you, man, I'm never gonna forget the look on her face for as long as I live. I mean it was worse than being fat or poor or ugly. It was like she thought I was sick. I'm sorry, that was rude. Can I make you a martini? Henry: Ahh -- no. No, not necessary. B.J.: You know, I really didn't mean to tear her dress like that. I was just holding onto her and she pulled away and I still had her -- you know. Anyway, ever since that night, I've been lost. I mean, I haven't known what to do. I just haven't been myself at all. So what I did was, I did what I do. I threw myself into work. I found a little company with a decent price-to-earnings ratio and then focused on annihilating it. Or as we say in my business, disposing of it. So that's what you overheard, me planning to overtake my competition. Henry: That's what that whole meeting was about? B.J.: Yes. Buy up all the outstanding shares, and then by year's end I would hold the controlling interest. Within six months I would have stripped down all it's major assets, fired the CEO, and then went on to destroy countless lives for no reason at all except to make me feel better about my meaningless, pointless, little life. And to pretend that I don't want to throw myself in front of a bus every time I think of Katie Peretti? So -- Henry: So -- B.J.: Here's to you, Henry. The one man on this whole entire planet who understands what it is I'm going through.
B.J.: Drink up. Henry: I -- sympathize with you, B.J., I do. But I don't like being played. So you buy up whatever you want to buy up. I'm still going to go talk to the cops. B.J.: Wait, hey. Before you go, can you at least, please share with me how you managed to get over Katie? Henry: Yeah. Yeah, I moved on. Most of me has moved on, I guess. B.J.: How? Henry: I realized that she was in love with someone else, B.J. And if I really loved her, then I just needed to let her go. Of course, half a dozen martinis doesn't hurt. B.J.: Speaking of which --- one for the road? Henry: I just -- look -- why not. Yeah, fine. As long as you understand. B.J.: I would never stand between a man and his conscience.
B.J.: Would you like another? Henry: No, three is my limit. B.J.: Okay. Well, then let me have my driver take you over to the station? Henry: No, no, I wanna walk. The fresh air will do me girl. Good. Will do me good. B.J.: You know, I am very glad that you're talking to the police. Henry: Liar liar pants on fire. B.J.: No, really I am. Because, see, once you talk to them and the cops do what they need to do, then everyone will realize that I'm just a harmless, lovesick cowboy. [ Henry laughs ] Henry: Yes. Saddle up there, old paint. Oww! What the -- hey, want a piece? B.J.: Hey, the door's over here. Henry: What? Yes. It is. The door is over here. There is the door. I am doing this for Maddie. Because she is scared of you. And I want her to know that you are a-okay, cowboy. Over and out. B.J.: Well, good. And once you're reassured and Maddie's reassured, maybe we can all reassure Katie together when she gets back from the publicity tour. And then, who knows, maybe even will come around. Well, Henry. You're won't be talking to anyone. Not for a long, long time.
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